Let's go mom, your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.
The baby's sleeping like a baby.
S1 E1Our Very First Show
(Seeing how small his closet is) Oh, great. I'm living in Webster's room.
Rule #1, you never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule #2, you never set foot on my half of the room.
How do I get outta here?
Easy, you jump out the window and climb down the tree.
I don't think so.
Suit yourself.
I'll find a way out.
S1 E2Our Very First Night
(everyone takes turns telling a bedtime story)
Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.
And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin... and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.
I don't think so.
No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...
(makes a time's-up buzzer sound) Joey.
Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty... so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers." Kids love this stuff. So...
(she makes a buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!
So Cinderella, Bullwinkle. They get married, right? The go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.
(buzzer sound again) Daddy.
Until... the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, "Open up... or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know... wolves have an amazing lung capacity."
(buzzer sound) Joey!
So--
(buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!
So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.
No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.
(after Joey and Danny leave and as Jesse takes his jacket off, the girls come downstairs and quickly head to the kitchen)
DJD.J. & Stephanie
(as they pass by) Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Goodnight, girls. (now realizing what they're up to) Girls. (as he runs after them) You're supposed to be in bed. Girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (as they take ice cream out of the freezer) Girls, girls! Aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird, or Big Bird, or Larry Bird or somethin'?
Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.
We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.
And cookies.
(starts to go get them)
Freeze, chick. Alright. I know. I'm pretty hip, here. You guys think I'm a-I'm an idiot or something? (the girls look at each other and Stephanie makes a funny faces and shrugs) Let me tell you something. I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone, and it's "Let's take advantage of the babysitter" time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kinda ride. Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies.
Yay!
(covers Stephanie's mouth) Okay.
Alright, girls. Listen here, now. It's almost midnight. You guys listen to two, three songs max. You eat your pie, then straight to bed, no nonsense.
Boy are you strict!
Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?
Does pep mean you can’t blink?
That's pep. (hearing music from downstairs) Party time.
D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. (looking under the table not realizing it's their fault) What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. (sarcastically) Oh, now I see what happened. (not realizing that D.J. and Stephanie actually ate the ice cream sundaes and drank the chocolate milk) Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats -- and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?
Probably.
No "probably" about it, because otherwise, you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?
Probably.
(still not realizing what D.J. and Stephanie did, but is still afraid they're fibbing) Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.
D.J. Dad!
Daddy! We were bad.
We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should go and apologize to Uncle Jesse.
You're right. You go first.
S1 E3The First Day of School
Okay, wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
Let me tuck you in, very tight.
And to the public which understands, with God, and Liberty... I'm dead meat!
Steph, don’t you want to go to school and be smart?
I’ll stay home and watch public television.
Come on, Steph, spill your guts. Why don't you wanna go to school?
Because I don't know anybody. I'll be all alone, it'll be real scary, I won't know anybody. And I won't have any friends.
Oh. But Steph, you're gonna make friends. I promise. You and I, we're gonna go down there together. And Daddy's not gonna leave 'til everything's alright.
S1 E4The Return of Grandma
(after Danny, Jesse and Joey have cleaned the house) Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?
D.J., go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse. Jesse, find a corral for Trigger. Joey, I’m out of cowboy metaphors, so let’s put away the grub. I was wrong, I had one more.
S1 E5Sea Cruise
Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven’t stopped taping. I’ll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.
That's grandma, we gotta buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz off!
S1 E6Daddy's Home
Oh dad, after Stephanie’s recital, can we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.
Of course, that doesn’t save me any money, because you’ll just buy twice as much stuff, right?
I like your attitude.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Full House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.