Jess, we're having twins! Oh, honey!
Twins? I just wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.
S5Double Trouble
LMr. Lowry
Stephanie, would you like to introduce us to your guest?
Uh, not really.
I'm her sister, Michelle.
LMr. Lowry
Hi. I'm Mr. Lowry.
(to Stephanie) You were right. He is a major babe!
I'll babysit my new cousins anytime, except for Friday and Saturday nights.
And I'll take Friday and Saturday, until I start dating.
I'll help, too, but no diapers. They make me apprehensive.
S5Matchmaker Michelle
[when Michelle talks about how she doesn't have a mommy] You should get one. Mommies use fabric softener on your pajamas.
My daddy does that.
Mommies always have lots of candy in their purse.
My daddy keeps Wet Wipes in his wallet.
Mommies wear makeup and pretty dresses.
You got me there.
Daddy, guess what, guess what, guess what?
What, what, what?
Miss Wiltrout says a clean room is a happy room!
Sounds like my kind of teacher!
[sitting on her bed when there's a knock on the door] Come in.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi, Daddy.
[sits on the floor] I think we have to talk.
I think we'd better.
I'm sorry you went to so much trouble today.
I wish I had a mommy.
Well, I know you don't remember, but you had a wonderful mommy. And she loved you very, very much.
It's no fair. All the other kids have mommies.
Well, I know it might seem like everybody else has a mommy. But honey, the truth is some people just have a mommy or they just have a daddy or a grandma, or a grandpa, or an aunt and uncle. There's all different kinds of families.
Really?
Yeah. What makes a family is when you have people who take care of one another and love each other. You have a very special family: you have a daddy, and an Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, and a Joey.
[smiles] I bet nobody in school has a Joey.
[laughs] That's a pretty safe bet. So you see, in a way, you and your sisters are pretty lucky. Because you have four people who care about you and love you very, very much.
I love you very, very much. [hugs him]
I love you too.
S5Take My Sister, Please
[walks down the stairs and sees bags of chips on the table] Wow! A million bags of chips and no one's in the room?
Jess, you're missing the point. It's not about where you go. It's about you guys being there for us. I mean, okay, so maybe we're a little over-emotional, and maybe we do get a little demanding, but that's because our hormones are running wild. I mean we're happy, we're sad, we're all hot, we're cold, we're huge! And all we want are ridgey potato chips and a nice slice of juicy watermelon with a side of Swiss chocolate. Now, is that too much to ask?! I DON'T THINK SO!!
S5Oh, Where, Oh, Where Has My Little Girl Gone?
What's happening to D.J. and me? We used to be so close. Becky, I feel like I'm losing my little girl.
You see? You don't even knock! You have no respect for my personal space.
Don't you dare tell me about respect! You're yelling and slamming doors? What happened to my sweet little girl?
Don't you get it?! I'm not your little girl anymore!
S5The King and I
This is my one shot at a record deal.
But you're my partner in the balloon race.
Well, get another partner.
But you promised.
Michelle, I can't.
But you promised.
Michelle, I have to write my song.
But you promised!
Well, then I'm gonna break my promise! I'm not going to the stupid picnic! So leave me alone! [walks out]
Jess...
Uncle Jesse yelled at me.
Oh, Michelle, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. Come on, we're still gonna have fun at the family picnic.
Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore.
Something stinks!
Well, we're in the woods, honey. It's probably a skunk.
DJ'D.J.
I know that smell. Kimmy, put your shoes back on.
See, I've got twins coming. And I want them to be proud of their old man, you know? I want them to be able to see platinum records on the wall.
GIGuy in Bar
Babies don't care about platinum records. They care that someone's there to love them, to hug and kiss them. Shame on you for snapping at your family like that, and over a picnic?
Yeah, well, it's worse than that. I ended up breaking a promise to my 4-year-old niece.
GIGuy in Bar
I really wish you hadn't told me that. You want to be a success? Start by being a good husband. A good uncle, a good friend. After that, the rest is just gravy.
S5The Legend of Ranger Joe
Michelle: Thank you for finding my shoes, Uncle Hermes.
Jesse: You're welcome. What'd you call me?
Michelle: Uncle Hermes. That's your name.
Jesse: Who told you my name was Hermes?
D.J.: Grandma.
Jesse: She's lying!
Rebecca: Jess?
Jesse: Okay. It's... Hermes.
Hermes was not only the Greek God of Swiftness, but it's also my great-grandfather's name. I'll have you know, he saved the whole town from destruction when he raced a river of lava down a mountain barefoot. All right? He went to tell the whole town a volcano erupted. 'Course, no one was left in the town, 'cause who could miss a volcano erupting? But the point I'm tryin' to make here is the name Hermes is equated with strength, courage, and very hot feet. So now, who among you will make fun of a name so bold and so courageous as Hermes? Huh?!
I'm sorry, honey.
We didn't realize the name meant so much to you.
Good.
Did you want me to call you Uncle Hermes?
[scoffs] No. What am I? Some kinda geek?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Full House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.