Xander Crews quotes from Frisky Dingo

250 years, this company's been in your family, and from slaves and smallpox blankets, to softcore porn and semiconductors, it's always made a profit; but with one fell idiotic swoop, you've ruined it. I'm just glad your murdered parents...

Xander

My murdered parents wanted me to be happy!

Xander

And this can make me happy, Stan: [crying a little] fiscal sales of Awesome-X dolls.

No one is going to buy a superhero doll without a villain to fight.

Xander

Then I'm kind of...at a loss, unless--[holds up Killface's postcard] what about this guy for the villain?

What? When did this get here?

Xander

Uhh... apparently, it's been here the whole time.

Just a damn minute, Mr. man, are you even Asian?

Yeah, see, I kinda got this minority business loan.

Those loans are for non-threatening educated women of color.

Yeah, like maybe she wants to go into real estate.

Or maybe open up a beauty salon.

Xander

Screw it, shoot him.

Hey. Hey, whoa. Can't we work something out here. [slips him a postcard]

Xander

More. More. More, like a whole box more. And the villabouts of the whereain Kelly.

Whereabouts of the villain killface.

Xander

Did I say the villabouts of the whereain Kelly?

Yeah

Xander

'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately. I wonder if it's a tumor.

I know a good cancer doctor.

Xander

Gimme some glitter on here!

You can't fax glitter.

Xander

Well, not with that attitude.

Not with any attitude!

Xander

Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.

Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.

Xander

Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?

Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.

Xander

Nice!

Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.

Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.

Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.

Xander Crews, I demand a ransom of twelve billion dollars...

Xander

Oh, terrific.

...for you.

He's not paying you a dime, Killface.

Xander

Yeah!

Cause dead men don't pay ransom.

Xander

No!

I'm going to start freaking out now

Xander

Grace!

Mi amor!

Lovely newslady!

Grace

This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News, dangling helplessly from high atop the Annihilatrix, my microphone now literally a lifeline, because if I fall, I will drop into...what appear to be drums full of super-intelligent radioactive-waste-covered ants.

[whispering] Oh God, please fall.

Grace

Oh my God, Xander, where are you?

Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he's laughing his fat face off.

Who's laughing now, Crews?

Xander

I wasn't laughing before. [Punch]]

I'm gonna punch him so friggin' hard.

I'm gonna smash his face in!

I'm gonna blow him. [Everybody looks at him] UP! Wh... [Walks off] Queers!

Xander

What the hell do you want?

[trading punches and demands] We want a living wage! And some health insurance! And some flex hours, bitch!

So you want it in the face or...?

Xander

No, not my handsome face!

Aw, just kidding, you don't get to pick.

Grace

[rapidly, holding stolen gems] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Xander

Grace! Open the damn door, it's Xander!

Grace

[tone of Antagone, eyes glowing green] Xander Crews?

Xander

Yes, idiot!

Xander crews

And for your information managing a workforce the size of the X-tacles is...

Yeah.

Xander crews

Like, that takes management skills.

It Does.

So your superpower is... management? Baffling.

Xander Crews

You're a bitch.

Xander

Hi Funbags, I'm Xander. Where's my idiot girlfriend?

Hi-yah! [Punches Xander, sending him flying out to the car] Grace Ryan is dead, and now you, Xander Crews, shall join her in...being dead!

Xander

Who even are you?

My name is Antagone!

Xander

Really?

Xander

[Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.

Ow! What happened?

Xander

Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run, plateless gang car.

Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Yes, riding dirty, no doubt... With their... Bubba Kush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.

Xander

Yeah, you have a house.

Yes, let's go to my house. take Naps. Where's my food?

Xander

Yeah, here...

My head... kills.

Xander

Um... this is actually just full of rocks.

Oh, that guy!

Xander

Yeah. [Laughs] ChickParm does that to blind people all the time.

Oh, I hate them!

Xander

Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-

Is your girlfriend on the news?

Xander

My... what?

Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. You smell that? I smell crickets.

Xander

We should go to your house.

Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't even know your name.

Xander

Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.

[Beat] Barnaby Jones!

Xander

Yeah.

[Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

Xander

You don't know how to do anything!

I know how not to let my son run off in robot pants with a fistful of knifes!

Xander

Yeah, you're a fantastic parent.

You take that back.

Xander

[quietly] Sorry.

This is hopeless.

Xander

Look, don't worry man. At his age, I was like, chronic masturbater. Kinda, kinda still am. But the point is - I like it. I would like to masturbate right now in this car. You know? If I had my stuff with me. I would! What are we even talking about?

I'm talking about searching for Simon!

Xander

Oh.