Xander Crews quotes from Frisky Dingo

Hey, you blind guys! You want ride?

Oh, God, thank you. Yes, please.

Xander

[to Killface] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Trusty Rusty. [to Truck Driver] Who even are you?

[hesitatingly] Uhh... The bus!

Xander

Okay. They are the bus.

This bus could use a stick-up.

Xander

[blind] Yeah, it smells like shattered dreams.

I don't wanna go to the monkey hospital!

Young Xander

But Nearl wanna stay with mummy and daddy and brother Xandy!

No Xander, he's dead to us

Young Xander

(Starts crying)

Now; who's for Denny's?

Young Xander

(Instantly stops crying) Grandslam!

Well, a train's not an iron rooster but that's what they call it in China!

Xander Crews

Really?

[Laughs, speaks in chinese] It's a colorful language.

Xander Crews

Oh, that's just crazy China man talk.

Barnaby, make those words English!

Xander Crews

I kinda think he said... death rabbits.

So if I'm here... this way... oh, here's an idea, indicate north. Otherwise it's not a map. It's just a drawing.

Xander Crews

So get this, he didn't even have a car.

Well thank God we sorted that out.

Xander Crews

Yeah.

Now will you please come on!

Barnaby, listen.

Xander Crews

What?

I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]

Xander Crews

I bet it's a chud.

We really need to get you some pants.

Xander Crews

Yeah, that's not a pickle.

I know. It's your penis.

Xander Crews

My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.

Barnaby...

Xander Crews

Scrinching back!

Xander Crews

So, what's the plan here, big 'un?

Well, first we follow this vented scum pipe to the lair of Torpedo Vegas, where we'll affect ingress through the drain in the men's lavatory. Once past the perimeter, you'll distract the first guard. [Xander is standing naked in front of a guard, rubbing his nipples]

Xander Crews

Oh, me so horny! You distracted?! Oh, you like tea bag, Chinatown?

While I excecute a stealth kill. [Killface comes up behind the guard and snaps his neck]

Ah, so...

Ha ha! Shh shh shh shh shh shh...yes, go see your mommy.

Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]

You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]

Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.

Xander Crews

Yeah. My part's kinda gay.

Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!

Xander Crews

Uh...what's Plan B?

Fleeze, douche bags!

I don't actually have one.

All right, tell Old Spice thanks for helping us escape… uh the map… Oh! And thanks for these new eyes!

Xander

[in Mandarin] Thanks for your help. And the eyes.

[in Mandarin] The glasses are only temporary.

Xander

Neat!

Oh, this bag of radishes.

Xander

[in Mandarin] Also, thanks for the radishes!

Move over bananas, I found a new source of potassium.

[in Mandarin] There should also be a turnip.

Oh, and tell him… [looks at Xander] you know, you’re really dead handsome.

Xander

[in Mandarin] He says you’re very handsome.

[looks nonplussed at Killface then Xander. In Mandarin] Tell him I have a wife. In China.

Xander

Uh… he says he has a car, in China.

Well, I don’t care about his car!

Xander

Well, I’m not gonna tell him that!

No, do tell him! Tell him that verbatim.

Xander

Owning a car in China has got to be, like, a huge deal! Of course he’s proud!

Barnaby.

Xander

Think how many rags he had to pick!

Time’s a bit of a factor here.

Xander

TELL HIM YOU’RE PROUD OF HIS CAR!

What does it matter what I say?

Xander

Well, he speaks English.

[to Old Spice] You speak English?

Yes.

[walks away] Mm-hmm.

So that's your plan? Break in there, kill all the guards, and rescue Simon?

A simple, logical progression, Barnaby. [They are hit by spotlights]

Fleeze, douchebags!

Yeah... yeah pretty much writes itself.

He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*

What?

I think I'm missing the key reference.

I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.

I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!

Barnaby just-

I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.

Neither does he!

Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...

I - uh -

Yeah, what is the story on that?

Oh, like you can talk.

Xander Crews

Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.

[Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.

Don't listen to him, he's crazy!

Xander Crews

Was Patty Hearst crazy when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?

Barnaby - just...turn six, alright?

Okay, I'll let you have the kid back if, and this is the part I kinda like, if you two fight to the death.

[Immediately] Done.

What?

Alright, while I think of a plan-

Plan? It was your stupid ass plan that got us into this pickle! Oh, we were supposed to get-

Don't... say it.

Sorry.

Now just try to make the fight look real- [Xander smashes him in the face repeatedly] Yeah, okay, relatively. Okay, okay, Barnaby?