Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Phoebe

I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.

Monica

Not at these prices!

Phoebe

oh my God I killed and this curse is getting stronger too to take a target that big

Phoebe

He's alive! ALIVE!

Monica

And yet we're still poking him.

Joey

Retract the device! Retract the device!

Ross

He does not look happy.

Rachel

And now he's showing us his poking device.

Joey

[to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

Phoebe

How can you not know which one?

Rachel

I mean, that's unbelievable.

I mean, was it Gina?

Ross

Which one is Gina?

Rachel

Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

Monica

No, no, no, that's Dina.

Chandler

You see, you can't tell which one is which either!

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually yesterday I was smoking again, today I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Chandler

[realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler

Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.

Monica

Weren't you 9?

Chandler

[with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.

Chandler

Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.

Phoebe

Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler

No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Rachel

Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister's on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.

Monica

Absolutely.

Phoebe

Yeah.

Joey

Yeah.

Rachel

Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler

Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

Monica

Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe

What? He's 18.

Ross

Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey

Yeah, or -- or to get a hooker.

Chandler

Always illegal, Joe.

Phoebe

Alright, forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler

Or what my father calls "Thursday night"

Ross

Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"

Phoebe

The little ones do.

Phoebe

You guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler

Fowl? No. Women?... No.

Joey

Hey, Pheebs -- where were ya?

Phoebe

I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Chandler

[looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.

Phoebe

You know what that means?

Joey

That you're actually 50?

Phoebe

No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF.

Phoebe

Best friends forever.

Oh.

Joey

Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica

Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.

Chandler

We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.

Monica

I was in too much pain.

Joey

And I was tired from digging a huge hole!

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something...

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.

Ross

Wait a minute, I saw that, on The Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?

Eww!

Monica

You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So...

[turning to the guys] Eww!

Joey

Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.

Chandler

[moans] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey

[chuckles] That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.

Rachel

Maybe there's someone you can talk to.

Monica

Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Rachel

Wow, they really got you guys, your T.V., the chairs...

Phoebe

Yeah. Your microwave, the stereo...

Joey

Aw, man! He took the five of spades! 
[looks through deck] 
Oh no, no, here it is.

Phoebe

Yeah, but, Monica -- do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?

Monica

[indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: [to Ross] married a lesbian; [to Rachel] left a man at the altar; [to Phoebe] fell in love with a gay ice dancer; [to Joey] threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire; [to Chandler] living in a box!

Chandler

[entering] Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?

Ross

I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.

Chandler

No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!

Ross

Nooo!! Gandalf?! Gandalf is coming to town?

Chandler

Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf dude!

Ross

Dude, we are sooo gonna party!

Phoebe

Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?

Ross

Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson, only like the funnest guy in the world.

Chandler

I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!

Ross

I’m gonna call after you!

Chandler

This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!

Woooo!!!

Monica

All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?

Joey

Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

Ross

Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandalf is like the party wizard!

Joey

Well, why do you call him Gandalf?

Ross

Gandalf the wizard. [Joey is still confused] Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey

No, I had sex in high school.