Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

Chandler

What's that?

Joey

It's "help" spelled backward so the helicopters in sky'll read it right.

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Chandler

[realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler

Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.

Monica

Weren't you 9?

Chandler

[with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.

Chandler

Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.

Phoebe

Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler

No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Rachel

Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister's on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.

Monica

Absolutely.

Phoebe

Yeah.

Joey

Yeah.

Rachel

Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler

Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

Monica

Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe

What? He's 18.

Ross

Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey

Yeah, or -- or to get a hooker.

Chandler

Always illegal, Joe.

Joey

Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since, since...sliced bread!

Chandler

Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating. [Points to Lauren, Kate's understudy and Joey's current girlfriend.]

Joey

It's not the sweater. It's what's underneath the sweater that counts.

Chandler

You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?

Joey

Yeah! [thinks a bit] Oh my God. Is this what it's like to be you?

Joey

Hey, Pheebs -- where were ya?

Phoebe

I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Monica

I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler

Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.

Joey

Or -- ha, ha! -- we could go over there and pee on them!

Chandler

[looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.

Phoebe

You know what that means?

Joey

That you're actually 50?

Phoebe

No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF.

Phoebe

Best friends forever.

Oh.

What are you guys doing?

Joey

[naked] We're playing strip Happy Days game.

Cool! I'll catch up! [takes off her sweater]

Ross

She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Chandler

If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross

Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?

Joey

No...

Chandler

Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ross

You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!

Joey

Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!

Ross

What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey

It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Joey

Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica

Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.

Chandler

We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.

Monica

I was in too much pain.

Joey

And I was tired from digging a huge hole!

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something...

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.

Ross

Wait a minute, I saw that, on The Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?

Eww!

Monica

You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So...

[turning to the guys] Eww!

Joey

Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.

Chandler

[moans] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey

[chuckles] That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.

Rachel

Maybe there's someone you can talk to.

Monica

Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Rachel

Wow, they really got you guys, your T.V., the chairs...

Phoebe

Yeah. Your microwave, the stereo...

Joey

Aw, man! He took the five of spades! 
[looks through deck] 
Oh no, no, here it is.

Joey

[reffering to the guy that just robbed them] You know what I'm going to do next time I see that guy?

Chandler

Bend over?!

Chandler

Wow,that ripped.

Chandler

That ripped real nice.

Joey

Who many times do I have to tell you; you turn and slide? You know? Turn and slide.

Chandler

But you don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed.

Joey

Well, we're not throwing it out. I built this thing with my own hands.

Chandler

Alright how 'bout we. How 'bout we sell it?