Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Chandler

I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.

Ross

Yeah, there's been a little change of plans. We're breaking up instead.

Ross

Don't you realize none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you were having sex with Mark?

Rachel

All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

Ross

Yes, I would.

Rachel

You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

Ross

(Hesitating) Yes.

Rachel

If you knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...

Ross

(He covers his ears and yells) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you.

Rachel

No. I can't. You're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me. Ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing you with her. I can't. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, Ross. It's just changed everything. Forever.

Ross

Yeah, but this...this can't be it.

Rachel

Then how come it is?

Ross

I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.

Rachel

We were on a break.

Ross

That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.

Rachel

You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?

Ross

I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.

Rachel

Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.

Monica

Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe

What? He's 18.

Ross

Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey

Yeah, or -- or to get a hooker.

Chandler

Always illegal, Joe.

Ross

[spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She's going in... Wait! He's going in! He's going in! The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!

Chandler

And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Ross

Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"

Phoebe

The little ones do.

Ross

You know, I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well guess what, you're not my girlfriend any more, so...

Rachel

Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on your own, you're free to look as stupid as you'd like.

Ross

[to Monica] You like it, right?

Monica

Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.

Rachel

I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.

Ross

You still love me?

Rachel

...No.

Ross

She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Chandler

If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross

Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?

Joey

No...

Chandler

Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ross

You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!

Joey

Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!

Ross

What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey

It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross

And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!

Rachel

Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross

I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!

Rachel

What?

Ross

I fell asleep!

Rachel

You fell a-SLEEP?!

Ross

It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!

Rachel

I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!

Ross

[fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!

Rachel

And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!

Monica

Hey!

Rachel

Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!

Ross

Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]

Rachel

And, hey, just so you know -- it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]

Chandler

I knew it!

Joey

Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica

Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.

Chandler

We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.

Monica

I was in too much pain.

Joey

And I was tired from digging a huge hole!

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something...

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.

Ross

Wait a minute, I saw that, on The Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?

Eww!

Monica

You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So...

[turning to the guys] Eww!

Joey

Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.

Chandler

[moans] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey

[chuckles] That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.

Rachel

Maybe there's someone you can talk to.

Monica

Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Rachel

You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?

Ross

Oh... [knocks his fists together at Rachel]

Rachel

What was that?

Ross

Monica knows.

Monica

It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. [to Ross] I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.

Ross

Well, I'm gonna go get ready... [knocks his fists at Monica]

Would you like to come in?

Ross

Did homo erectus hunt with wooden tools?

According to recent findings!

Joey

Her place was really that bad?

Ross

You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that -- only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!