Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Rachel

What happened to your jam plan?

Monica

I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.

Chandler

Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross

What are you talking about?

Monica

I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross

What?

Monica

Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

Ross

Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Ross

[reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley.

Chandler

Very attractive, forgiving.

Ross

Susan Sarandon.

Chandler

She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first

Ross

Isabella Rosellini.

Chandler

She's too international.

Rachel

So?

Chandler

So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time.

Rachel

Yeah, because that's why you weren't gonna get Isabella Rosellini, geography.

Chandler

I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.

Phoebe

Why, nobody good?

Chandler

Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"

Ross

So how many more do you have tomorrow?

Chandler

Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

Ross

Hey, where is everyone?

Phoebe

Oh, its already closed. Chris gave me the keys to lock up. What's wrong?

Ross

My marriage, I think my marriage is, um, kind of over.

Phoebe

Oh no! Why?

Ross

Because Carol's a lesbian... and... and I'm not one.

Ross

When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.

Monica

I was always Joanie!

Joey

Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Do you know what rust does to a boat?

Ross

Gives it that nice, antique-y look?

Rust is boat cancer.

Ross

I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

Joey

If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?

Ross

Joey, Homo sapiens are people.

Joey

Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

Phoebe

oh my God I killed and this curse is getting stronger too to take a target that big

Phoebe

He's alive! ALIVE!

Monica

And yet we're still poking him.

Joey

Retract the device! Retract the device!

Ross

He does not look happy.

Rachel

And now he's showing us his poking device.

Joey

[to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

Chandler

So, how many boxes did you sell?

Ross

517.

Chandler

Wow.

Ross

Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

Phoebe

How can you not know which one?

Rachel

I mean, that's unbelievable.

I mean, was it Gina?

Ross

Which one is Gina?

Rachel

Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

Monica

No, no, no, that's Dina.

Chandler

You see, you can't tell which one is which either!

Joey

Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.

Chandler

I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey

It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."

Ross

Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey

What?

Ross

Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey

Who?

Chandler

I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey

The what?

Chandler

The abridgment.

Joey

Oh, okay. [To Ross] The what?

Rachel

[upset because Joey's just ruined the end of The Shining for her, she ruins Little Women for him] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.

Joey

Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.

Rachel

Beth dies.

Joey

[completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies? [to Chandler] If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

Chandler

No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?

Rachel

What?

Ross

Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

Chandler

Well, hello!

Joey

Where've you been?

Chandler

The doctor.

Ross

Is everything okay?

Chandler

Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Monica

Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.

Rachel

What?

Monica

Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.

Chandler

That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

Rachel

Well, okay how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to professor Pit Stains and his, "hey, everybody! remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!"

Ross

First of all, it's professor Pitain. And second off all, that little bone proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings [puts hands up slightly] but didn't fly. [puts them down]

Rachel

Okay, see, now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah.

Rachel

I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross. No, you're making this too hard.

Ross

Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard? Okay what do you want me to do?

Rachel

I don't know. I don't know. Look, ugh! Maybe we should just take a break.

Ross

Ok, Ok you're right. Let's take a break. Let's cool off, OK? Let's get some frozen yogurt or something.

Rachel

[pause] No. A break from us.