Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Rachel

Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica

Still... it's just such reckless spending.

Ross

I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler

Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica

That was me.

Joey

My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler

Joey... Switzerland?

Ross

I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler

I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler

Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel

No, forget it.

Chandler

Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel

All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.

Joey

All right!

Ross

Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

Rachel

No.

Ross

You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

Rachel

No, it was just the three of us.

Ross

Huh!

Joey

So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Phoebe

That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Monica

I wanna baby!

Chandler

You'll get one.

Monica

Oh really when?

Chandler

All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler

Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica

Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler

Uh... Uh....

Monica

What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?

Chandler

This parachute is a knapsack!

Ross

Carol's late. She's going into labor and still in the cab.

Rachel

Don't worry Ross. It's probably $2.00 for the first contraction and 75 cents for each additional contraction. [laughs, sees that everyone's looking at her] What? It's okay when Chandler does it?!

Chandler

You gotta pick your moments.

Joey

Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station..

Chandler

[To Joey] Now you are scaring me.

Chandler

Men are here.

Joey

We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler

Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Joey

Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler

Crazy bitch.

Phoebe

[regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!

Chandler

Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

Rachel

What did you just say?

Chandler

[Realizing he'd just revealed Ross' feelings, he stumbles] Crystal duck.

Rachel

No, no, the love part.

Chandler

[Hyperventilating] Flennen!

Rachel

Oh, my...!

Chandler

[rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!

Joey

That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time

Rachel

Ah. All this time he was in love with me. [Moving near Joey] What else did he say? He wanted to ask me out for a coffee?

Joey

Given that he is desperately in love with you, I'd bet he would like to have a cup of coffee.

Chandler

What about the time difference?

Monica

From here to airport?

Chandler

Yes..!

Monica

What you gonna say to him?

Rachel

I don't know, maybe if i see him i will know.

Phoebe

[Picks up Ross's photo and walks to Rach] How about now? [Phoebes keeps Ross's photo up her face and acts like Ross] Does this help?

Rachel

No. [Walks out]

Chandler

[yells] HEY. I LOVE YOU TOO.! Deal with me first.

We've gotta get some sleep.

Ross

Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler

Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Chandler

Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joey

Sure.

Chandler

Your tailor...is a very bad man!

Joey

Frankie? What are you talking about?

Ross

What's up guys?

Chandler

Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.

Ross

WHAT??

Joey

Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.

Chandler

He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...

Joey

What?

Chandler

Cupping.

Joey

That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross

Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!

Ross

This is my son having lunch, OK? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

Ross

Carol?

Chandler

Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol

Sure.

Joey

Uh, does it hurt?

Carol

It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey

Chandler?

Chandler

So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol

As much as he needs.

Joey

Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Phoebe

Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.

Ross

Whoa, whoa...you don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe

Nope, not really.

Ross

You don't believe in evolution?!

Phoebe

No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.

Ross

Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

Phoebe

Oh, okay -- don't get me started on gravity.

Ross

You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe

Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Chandler

Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!