Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."

Father Ted

Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?

Eoin

I have no willy.

Eoin McLove

Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?

Father Ted

(long pause across end credits) Jim?

I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?

Father Ted

Yeah, by the balls!

I was gonna say by the shoulders...

Dougal

Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!

Ted

No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.

Dougal

What, the anti-Santa?!

Dougal

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Father Ted

This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.

Dougal

America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?

Ted

He didn't, Dougal... he died.

Dougal

Oh right.

How much money did this parish bring in last year?

Father Ted

How much money? God I don't know.

Father Ted

Another bloody window gone!.. I suppose we take in about 150, maybe 200 pounds.

Father Ted

Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, please.

200 pounds huh? What's that? Not even 400 dollars. You know what I'd do with 400 dollars? I'd wipe my ass with 400 dollars.

Father Ted

Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Mrs Doyle

Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life!

Father Ted

Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say!

Mrs Doyle

Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically)

Ted

Night, Dougal.

Dougal

Night, Ted.

Dougal

Ted, could you pass me my record collection?

Ted

Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record.) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.

Dougal

I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.

Ted

Yeah?

Dougal

Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?

Father Ted

Half past one.

Dougal

Half one?! And the competition is on in...

Father Ted

May.

Father Dougal

[Intensely] Let's do it!

Father Ted

[Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.

Father Ted

[Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!

Father Dougal

The first one?

Father Ted

[Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...

Father Ted'

Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.

[Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!

Father Ted

Sorry?

[Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.

Father Ted

Ah, yes...

[Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]

Father Ted

Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.

Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.

Father Ted

Alright, do you know him a long time?

Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.

Father Ted

Oh, right, you run the production company together?

No, no, he's my lover.

Dougal

[Excitedly] Ted! Ted!

Ted

[startled] Wah! What?! What?!

Dougal

[holding out a bag of peanuts] Would you like a peanut?

Ted

A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal!

Dougal

Sorry Ted.

Ted

Go to bed!

Mrs Doyle

Well, it's not before time Father. I always thought you were one of the best priests in the country.

Father Ted

Thank you very much Mrs Doyle. One of the best? Or maybe the best? Hahaha, go on Mrs Doyle! Honestly, would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment?

Mrs Doyle

Well...

Father Ted

If you don't think I'm the best priest in the country, just say so. I honestly won't mind!

Mrs Doyle

I'd say you might be... the second best!

Mrs Doyle

I mean --

Father Ted

No, it's alright! I'm not the best priest in the country, I'm only the second best. There's somebody better than me, apparently.

Mrs Doyle

Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests who work in very poor areas.

Father Ted

Oh yeah, of course, those lads! Father Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the likes!

Mrs Doyle

Well, I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man!

Father Ted

Hahaha, oh right! Oh great! So a Protestant is better than me.

Father Ted

No, no no, there's no need to continue this, I'm not the best, I'm just the second best. Apparently the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize. Well, I'm so sorry! Obviously I'm just an idiot! Obviously I can't even say Mass properly!

Mrs Doyle

Father, I was just --

Father Ted

NO! Don't take it back! THAT'S what you said! You said I wasn't the best priest in the country! That's fine! I just wanted to know where I stand. Obviously now I'm just going to have to jack it in.

Mrs Doyle

WHAT?!

Father Ted

I'm leaving the priesthood!

Mrs Doyle

BUT FATHER!

Father Ted

NO! I am going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early retirement and maybe when I go, you can ask the other priest; "Father Peter Perfect, the Perfect Priest" to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously such a great priest!

Mrs. Doyle

Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today...

Father Ted

[horrified] The funeral! I completely forgot all about it!

Mrs. Doyle

It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it.

Father Ted

[calming down] That's ok so... [realises what she said and panics] DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL!

Dougal

Sorry about that.