Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?

Mrs Doyle

Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!

Father Jack

I love my brick!

Father Ted

Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--

Father Jack

Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

Mrs. Doyle

Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Father Ted

What! How dare you!

Dougal

(referring to the baby competition) I thought the standard this year was rubbish.

Ted

It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.

Dougal

Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean...

Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.

Ted

I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.

Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.

Ted

Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)

And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)

Father Ted

You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.

Father Dougal

Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.

Father Ted

Should I?

Father Dougal

Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

Father Ted

Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?

Father Dougal

Yeah, go on!

Father Ted

Okay, hold the camera.

Father Ted

(yells loudly) I don't believe it!

Richard Wilson

I'll bloody well kill you!

Father Dougal

Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?

Father Ted

No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.

Now, this rock here is actually granite.

Father Ted

How long would that have been there?

Oh, many, many millions of years.

Father Ted

Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.

Father Dougal

How come all the rocks are different sizes?

Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.

Father Dougal

Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.

Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.

Father Dougal

How did everyone breathe?

Father Ted

They'd have had some sort of apparatus.

Father Dougal

Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!

This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.

Father Ted

Really? Wow, I don't believe it.

Richard Wilson

You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!

Father Dougal

Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?

Father Ted

No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

Father Ted

So there's...no way he'll be able to play?

No. No, he's dead.

[on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!

Father Ted

Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?

Father Ted

DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!

Father Dougal

Got the forfeit, Ted!

Father Ted

Oh God...

Father Dougal

Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.

Father Ted

All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!

Father Dougal

Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...

Father Ted

What is it!? Break it to me gently!

Father Dougal

All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...

Father Ted

What?

Father Dougal

You have to...

Father Ted

What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

Father Ted

Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.

Father Dougal

Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.

Father Ted

Ah come on now, lads!

Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath!

Father Ted

Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try?

Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! [they throw Ted in]

Father Ted

Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?

Dougal

Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Mrs. Doyle

Shall I make the beds in the spare room?

[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!

Mrs. Doyle

OK so... would you like a cup of tea?

[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[uncertain] Ok so...

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...

Mrs. Doyle

Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?

[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[looks confusedly at Father Ted]

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.

Mrs. Doyle

[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?

[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]

Mrs. Doyle

[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

Bishop Brennan

Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Father Jack

Arse biscuits!

What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Father Jack

[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Father Ted

[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.