Fanboy quotes from Fanboy & Chum Chum

Fanboy

Oh, ahem, I am...

Don't tell me! That sunken skull - I would know it anywhere! You are Flathead! The human battering ram, who knocked down the great door of castle ragnor!

Fanboy

I also once tipped over a while rack of bikes.

[points to Chum Chum] And you! Stand stalwart and strong, though clearly your legs were pulled off by a fearsome 8-armed kracken. You are Half-legs! Long have the bards; sung your praises.

Chum Chum

Aww, stop...

Okay, can you tell me the capital of Swi-den... Swid... Sweden?

Fanboy

[gasps] Ooh... And I just ate a gummy fish from there. [Thorvald gets up from his chair, runs over to Fanboy, whispers to him, then runs back to his chair] Thorvaldia!

[imitates buzzer] Ehhh. Incorrect.

[furiously confronts Mr. Mufflin] OF COURSE, IT'S THORVALDIA! I named it myself when I conquered it a thousand years ago last week!

No, I think I know the capital of Swaziland when I'm looking right at it!

THORVALD THE RED IS NOT WRONG! It is your map that is wrong! Why, it's not even the right shape! [squashes the globe flat with his hammer] That is the shape of the world!

Chum Chum

Awww. [holds up his own hammer] I was gonna smash that.

Fanboy

[Gasps] It's Janitor Poopatine!

Chum Chum

Poop! And he's driving a dumpster!

Poopatine

Huh? This is no dumpster! It's a highly advanced fully mechanized trash receptacle! I call it...the Dump Star!

[pause] Ohhhhhh! That's nice! [The Dumpstar's claws grab them] Woah!

Poopatine

Oh, Brenda, stop being so dramatic. They're not replacing you. I'm just teaching them a lesson. Whoa! [falls into the floor which is covered in peanut butter] What are you doing?

Fanboy

Everyone knows the best way to get out ketchup is with peanut butter. Or is it soapy water?

Poopatine

[growls] STOP THIS AT ONCE!

Fanboy

Hold off on the peanut butter, chum.

Chum Chum

[on the roof of the cafeteria] Boy, this peanut butter really sticks to the roof of your school.

Poopatine

I see you have failed. Perhaps I can find another task better suited to your feeble skills.

Poopatine

Stop the Dump Star!

Fanboy

Uh, Chum Chum. I think the hologram's talking, but I don't see anything.

Poopatine

Look at me, you nitwits!

Chum Chum

I don't think I like its tone. [the Poopatine Hologram from earlier appears]

Not me, you nitwits. Him! [points] [Fanboy and Chum Chum see that the hologram was pointing at the real Poopatine, who is on Brenda and is shaking his fist angrily at them]

Chum Chum

Hey, Janitor Poopatine.

Poopatine

Pull over! Pull over!

Fanboy

I think he wants us to honk the horn. [Chum Chum honks the horn] How's that, huh? More horn? He wants more horn. [Chum Chum honks the horn many times]

Fanboy

Ok... ...Would you take a few follow-up questions?

Chum Chum

Sure.

Fanboy

Can you eat sweet potatoes? Can you play Chimp Chomp? Can you read comic books? Can you break dance? Can you talk to fish? Can you eat cheese through your ear? Can you chew gum whist walk?! Are there rocket cars? Are they red? Are there blueberries? Are they red? [unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma? [spits, still unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma?! Can you wear clown shoes? Can you drink pudding through a straw? Can you ride a dog like a horse? Are the banks open? [screaming over noise] Can you dance with mummies? [whispering] Can you get a good bagel? Does it rain hot gravy? [SLAM] Will a Sasquatch give back rubs? [SLAM] Does it rain hot gravy? Are there unlimited chicken drummettes? Do monkeys shine your shoes? Is Duke there?

Chum Chum

Well-

Fanboy

Can you eat electricity? Can you pet a live tiger? [slightly less crazed] Can you hand me some toilet paper? Can you wear white after labor day? Do the shrimp peel and eat themselves? Of course they do! What am I thinking? It’s Night-Morning! Anything Can Happen!

Chum Chum

I don't know if you're intrested, but if you want, you can do Night-Morning with me.

Fanboy

[surprised spit] ME?!? DO NIGHT MORNING?!?!? I'm going to Night Morning! I don't think I can sleep! I need a lullaby. [Lullabysongy] ♪ Night Morning, Night Morning, Niiiiight Morrrning... ♪ ♪ Night Morning...Night Morning...Niiiight...Morrr... ♪

Night morning! Night morning! Night morning! Night morning!

Chum Chum

Next time we splash down, we should do it in water. Fanboy, look. We landed in the kindergarten.

Fanboy

Wow. We went back in time, too? We must've gone faster than I thought.

Fanboy

Whoa. Look at the size of her. Somebody's been drinking their milk.

Chum Chum

I think she heard you.

Hello, Fanboy. Remember me? It's Marsha.

Fanboy

Who? Come again?

[spitting, Fanboy and Chum Chum pull out an umbrella to try and guard themselves from Marsha's spit] Marsssssssha.

Fanboy

Oh, sure. You're that-we used to-didn't we-you know, over by the um-yeah, I got nothing.

[shows photo] Maybe this will refresh your memory. [points at Fanboy on the photo] This is you, and [points at herself on the photo] that was me!

Fanboy

But that was Marsha. She was all nice and sweet. And you...ooh.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU RUINED ME!

One minute left. No pressure, kids, but your entire future depends on how you do on this test. Not that my prized pupil Marsha has anything to worry about!

Fanboy

Hey, Chum Chum. [points at pencils stuck up his nose] Check me out!

Time's up. Pass your tests forward.

Fanboy

[Sneezes on Marsha's test] Best of luck, Marsha.

YOU RUINED MY TEST! I scored so low, they sent me back to kindergarten!

Fanboy

Oh, that Marsha.

I used to read two levels above my grade, now I spend my days writing "Pat sat on a mat" with a pencil that’s fat! [breaks a pencil that matches what she said] It's all so...

[off camera] Does anyone have to go potty?

I have to make a tinky-wink! [To Fanboy, with her eyeballs protruding toward him] Humiliating.

Fanboy

I’m sorry, Marsha. I had no idea! Maybe you could take the test...again?

I'm stuck in here!

Fanboy

Uhh, well maybe I could take it for you. I think I still got a few answers up here.

Oh-ho-ho, It’s too late for tests! Now is the time for revenge! [points at the clock] See the little hand’s on the eight, and the big hand’s on...your throat!

[off camera] Snack Time, everyone!

Ooh! Orange slices! [Rips off her pigtails. At Fanboy] You got lucky this time, Fanboy, but come naptime, you're gonna take...a PERMANENT nap!

But it's really nice to see you, Chum Chum.

Chum Chum

Wow, Marsha looks great, huh?

Fanboy

[nervously] Uh, yeah.

Let’s all close our eyes and take the cloud-ferry to Sleepy time Island.

Ut, ut, ut. When we go night-night, there's no light-light.

Now, now, light switches aren't for little hands.

Fanboy

Huh?

Okay, [giggles] I think someone needs a time out! Come along, Mister. You’re going to spend naptime in the gingerbread house. [Shows him a toy gingerbread playhouse]

Fanboy

You mean me? In there? All alone? The whole time? Well, if you think it’s best.

Fanboy

Well, Marsha, looks like you messed with the wrong coward. [notices a graffiti on the wall] Huh. [reading] "Marsha was here." [sees more graffitis of him being cooked in a cauldron, Marsha feeding him to a shark, her jumping on him, and her riding on a rat, commanding it to eat him alive; gasps in horrified shock by seeing these, and spots one more that reads…] "Marsha is here." [Zoom out to see Marsha standing in front of him and staring evilly at him; screams] MARSHA! How-how-how did you get in here so fast?!

I said "poopy."

Fanboy

That's it?

I've got priors.

Fanboy

[sits down] Marsha, stay back. [stands up with toy scissors] I'm warning you! These can almost cut paper! [She swats them away] AHH! HELP!! HELP ANYONE!!!

I've been dreaming of this moment during every naptime! Nothing is going to stop me from getting my revenge! REVENGE!

Chum Chum

Lenny's not sleeping behind the counter! Boog's not goofing off at the Chimp Chomp machine! Who's gonna peel the skin off the nacho cheese? Who's gonna wipe the sweat off the hot dogs?! Who's gonna pick the flies out of the mayonnaise and put em in the chili?!? THIS PLACE IS GONNA FALL APART!

Fanboy

Not on MY WATCH! [smacks a fly]

Fanboy

Gum-gum, Chum Chum? [hands Chum Chum some chewing gum. Chum Chum chews it, then opens his mouth to reveal a purple-toothed smile]

Chum Chum

It tastes like purple!

Yay! My first prank!

Fanboy

Beginners' luck, Yo.

Here, let me help you up! [electrocutes Fanboy as she does]

Fanboy

Got me again. You're a fast learner.

(hands Fanboy a cup of water) You look like you could use some water.

Fanboy

That would be...(a piranha bites Fanboy's nose) PIRANHA!!!!! (bangs his head on the floor than tosses the piranha off his nose) You got quite a streak going, Yo.

And I owe it all to you! (hands Fanboy a present) Here, I want you to have this present.

Fanboy

Oooh! I like... (Sprinkles the bear jumps out of the box and attacks Fanboy)

Thanks a lot, Fanboy!

Fanboy

Eh, don't mention it. (Sprinkles attacks Fanboy again) Augh, watch the face!

Fanboy

Hey Kyle, it's Pizza Day! Come play "pizza monkeys" with us!

Kyle

[with disdain] You two are "pizza monkeys"? What do you do? Throw your...pooperoni?

[hysterical laughter] Pooperoni!

Kyle

[sigh] I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at?

Fanboy

Well, we're all done. Really enjoyed all of it: the scooping it up, the chewing, the swallowing. Mm-mmm!

Mrs. Cram

Why's your milk carton vibrating?!

Fanboy

[Nervously] um... ...it's a milkshake?

Mrs. Cram

OPEN IT!!!

Fanboy

Uuuuuhhhh.... [all the glop explodes from the carton]

Lupe

Maybe we shouldn't have stuffed it all in one cartons.