Meg Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Principal Shepherd

Everyone, I wanna thank you all for helping us decorate for the fall dance.

Meg

What's the name of this dance anyway?

Principal Shepherd

[annoyed laugh] I've been doing this a long time, Meg. The next thing out of my mouth. The theme is climate change. Dance like it's the end of the world. We're going to -

Meg

But how do we even decorate for that?

Principal Shepherd

[exasperated sigh] We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 and fill the gym up with 6 inches of water and then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. So, thanks again and if anyone needs anything, just think. I'm hanging balloons. How could I possibly have a question?

Meg

What do we even - ?

Principal Shepherd

[extremely angry] MEG! [takes a deep breath] [calmly] Thanks guys.

So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I are finally gonna do it after the dance.

Meg

[gasp] You're gonna have sex!?

I'm talking about our suicide pact.

Meg

[laughs] Oh my God. I was like, who is this girl?

Lois

Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...

Meg

[unamused] Yeah, I heard you.

Lois

Peter, you have to get a haircut.

Peter

Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.

Meg

I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.

You would what? And with who?

Meg

Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

Meg

Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.

Peter

Wait...what is this?

Lois

Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.

Peter

Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.

Meg

Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.

Lois

Oh, good. Kids, you're just in time for breakfast.

Chris

No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00! I love a red-cheeked barbarian.

Lois

How 'bout you, Meg?

Meg

Can't. I'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. God, help me. I love the attention.

Meg

I'm excited to start shooting these videos with you.

Peter

Yeah, um, about the videos, I couldn't help but notice that you've got me squatting on generic Jell-O, not the name brand.

Meg

Does it make a difference?

Peter

[chuckles] Ho-ho-ho, d-does it make a difference? You're adorable. And why am I snorting regular cocaine when I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine?

Meg

There's no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine.

Peter

Yeah, tell that to Chris Farley's autopsy photo. [starts bleeding from his nose]

Meg

Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.

Peter

Yeah, that's allergies. I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine.

Meg

What did you tell Dad?

Lois

Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone. I got him his favorite babysitter.

Peter

Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9.

The note says 9.

Peter

Not if it's special, and we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.

The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.

Peter

I'm allowed to watch Coco, and it's basically the same thing. [slams door]

Uh-oh! No tears means no cookies!

Chris

Which also means no cookie business!

Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness.

Meg

Oh, I... I think I'm all set.

Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness?

Meg

Oh, no... no. I... I think we have different problems, dawg.

Chris

I'd hear her out. Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip.

Stewie

Chris, are you selling intimacy projects with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Chris

Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself.

Meg

It goes on dry?

Lois

Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don't need a television anymore.

Meg

Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. Everyone just streams now on their individual devices.

Peter

Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?

Meg

Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era.

Peter

I see.

Quiet up there!

Peter

Sorry. Just demonstrating I'm still relevant by making a very old movie reference.

Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers.

Oh, no. Those shoes now belong… [casts a spell on the slippers] …to Meg.

Meg

AAAGGHH, FUCK!! We're not even CLOSE to the same size!!! Get 'em off!!! GET 'EM OFF!!! WAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

In Oz, there's no place like home. For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. Kohl's: Yes, we DO have that in a wide.

Peter

Listen, Meg, I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. But I'm sorry I came here in the first place. Everyone deserves a place of their own and I get that now. I promise I'll treat you better in the future.

Meg

You know, we've had conversations like this again, and again, and nothing ever changes. You're a terrible father! And I'm counting the days 'till I move out of this house.

Peter

Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, I tell you I love you in sign language?

Meg

[touched] Oh, I love you, Dad! [hugs Peter]

Peter

[narration] But this never happened, because no one resuscitated me. I did wake up eventually, but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. I spend most of my days gettin' walked around by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone.

[offscreen] Whoa, hold up! Mom gave YOU the necklace?

Peter

That's her now.

[as Meg enters Brian's car] l still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.

Meg

What? What are you ralking about? Brian, when l said "One of my dreams," l wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's. I was talking about for the first tkme ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking me, or farting in my face, or telling me l'm ugly. I guess l lied to you because l just wanted this amazing trip we've been having to last a little longer.

You know what? I've has a really good time with you too, Meg.

Meg

And the truth is, when Doctor Hartman said l might die, all l could think about was spending the rest of my life with skmeone who really loves and cares about me. And that was you.

[now smiling] Of course, Meg. We're family.