Brian quotes from Family Guy

Joe

I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.

But can't you at least just give me a ride?

Joe

No can do, Amigo.

Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.

Joe

Are you Brian?

Carter

Oh, no.

Peter

You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.

Really?

Meg

Wow! It's so beautiful.

Peter

Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.

Chris

I don't think that's right.

Peter

No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.

Stewie

Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

Peter

Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?

Bonnie

Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]

Peter

Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.

Quagmire

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Peter

Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...

Quagmire

Okay, bye.

Lois

I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.

Carter

I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.

Lois

Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.

Carter

Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?

Lois

Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.

Carter

Who else?

Lois

Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

Carter

That doesn't sound like the whole family.

Lois

[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Carter

Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

Lois

[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.

Carter

Ah, I don't care.

What's wrong with you?

Stewie

It's my back. It's killing me.

Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.

Stewie

No, this time it's not a bit. I'm in so much pain. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.

Okay, Well then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.

Peter

Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.

Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.

Peter

Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.

Stewie

I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.

[correcting him] The fat woman.

Stewie

He hasn't chopped it off yet.

That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.

Stewie

And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.

Stewie

Brian?

Lock door!

Why would I... [gets shot]

Stewie

Brian!

[barges into Chris & Meg kissing] No kissing on the bed.

Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.

Quagmire

[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

I want to read a few words.

Quagmire

Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

Anyway, I want to...

Quagmire

[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...

Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!

It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...

Ooh, says the man!

Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...

I identify as a basketball!

Humans and basketballs...

I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!

Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...

"Whatever"? It's whoever.

Actually, it's whomever.

All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?

Now you're tone policing us!

That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!

[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...

Stewie

[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.

I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!

I'd like to see you try.

Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.

Lois

You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.

Lois

[enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Lois

[to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

Chris

What happened to her?

Lois

She was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.

Chris

That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Vick!

And Eli Manning!

I didn’t know that about you.

Oh yeah, I’m a real idiot psychopath.

[On the bottom of the screen] This isn’t true, but Patriots fans write this show.

Stewie

Brian, hurry!

Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.

Chris

I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!

Peter

If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.

Lois

Ok.

Peter

And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.

Meg

[sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

Peter

And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.

Stewie

Is anyone gonna stop him?

Peter

And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.

What about me?

Peter

You're a dog.

Lois

[offscreen] Well, I’m good.

Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.

Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!

If you're lucky.

So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?

Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [say it with Brian] if you can call it music.

Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!

Lois

Aaaaaaaaah!

[giggles] I like you, Brian! You say what's on your mind.

Hey, life's too short, right?