Nobody yet helped me become a better kid. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, OUCH—a raise.
"Nay"? Wow! *becomes super intense* This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on The Reading Rainbow, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them!!!
[cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]
Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity. LEVAR!!!!
[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…
[Peter and Lois gasp in shock]
[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!
He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!
[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!
[shakes his legs excitedly] “AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!”
[cackles maniacally] HA HA HA AH!
[Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]
Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]
[Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]
BBrian
[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!
[Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]
Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?
BBrian
That one. The tiny button.
Wait, did you press the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?
BBrian
I hit the button that says "tiny". You said, "hit the tiny button".
Exactly! I didn't say "hit the big button that says 'tiny'"! I said, "hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is gonna shrink us down to microscopic size!
BBrian
Well, why would you make the tiny button big?
I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!
BBrian
There she is, the wealthiest heiress in all of Newport. The holy grail for guys like us.
BBrian
That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
[gasps] My God! You mean, the heir to the Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
BBrian
Exactly. She goes by "Pip".
BBrian
Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?
[Peter plays his damage "Surfin' Bird" record, his dancing glitches along with the music]
BBrian
Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?
I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.
BBrian
How did you know what he was doing?
I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.
PPriest
Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.
[Everyone shares a moment of silence]
BBrian
No! We do not touch poo-poo in this family! We do not touch poo-poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there are no bubbles later.
BBrian
No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.
BBrian
Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.
[the Griffins, sans Brian, are on vacation during a hurricane]
Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.
It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.
[cutaway to Brian nearly drowning in the backyard back at home]
It's time I got back out there again. I've had one beer my whole life! That's not normal!
BBrian
Nothing about you is normal.
I mean, I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him!
BBrian
There's only been a year of your life.
You know, all of your responses have been very similar, so you might want to nip that in the bud.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
