Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.

Stewie

Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! [starts to fade away]

Stewie, wh-what's happening to you?

Stewie

[looks at himself] I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. [finally fades away]

You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

He kinda looks like Jason.

Chris

What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?

Stewie

I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Chris

How were all your business trips?

Peter

Oh, exemplary, Chris.

Chris

I don't understand what either of those words means.

Stewie

One of them was "Chris."

Lois

What's wrong with you, Peter?!

Peter

Lois, I'm sorry.

Lois

How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!

Peter

Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.

Lois

[Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!

Peter

[Hurt] You don't mean that...

Stewie

[Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?

Lois

Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!

Peter

I'm not an idiot!

Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]

S'up, man?

Stewie

Yeah, yeah, "s'up?" Keep walking, you Boondocks ripoff!

Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Stewie

What is that? What's happening?

[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Peter, what are you doing?

Peter

Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.

Stewie

Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.

What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?

Peter

Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.

Chris

Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!

Stewie

Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!

Peter

Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!

Chris

Where?

Peter

[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.

Stewie

[gasp] No!

Lois

Peter, what's going on in...

Peter

[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!

Stewie

[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!

Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.

Stewie

I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]

Lois

Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!

Meg

[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!

Lois

[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]

Stewie

I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.

Eat my shorts!

Stewie

"Eat my shorts". I love that. Is that a popular expression like "what the deuce"?

Probably more popular.

Lois

Was someone wearing my new high heels?

Stewie

You dick.

Stewie

Lois! Lois! Mommy!

Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.

Stewie

I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.

Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."

Stewie

Okay, I've had enough.

All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.

Stewie

Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.

Peter

Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!

Stewie

Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.

What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?

Stewie

How about I take the head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes?

Okay, you can have those.

Stewie

You just gave away the store mister.

Hey, what are you doing home so early?

Stewie

He's following me, Brian.

Who's following you?

Stewie

Tom Cruise. I spent one afternoon with the guy and it's like I signed an eight-year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.

Stewie, I think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.

Stewie

Oh really, well explain that. [points at Tom Cruise outside]

You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

It's just when you've read as many books as I have [chuckles] it takes a toll, you know?

Stewie

Are you sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone?

Stewie

Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that?

[quietly] Shhh, be cool. This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.

Stewie

Oh, what a romantic way to put it.

Yeah, it's great. I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the "pound" if you know what I mean.

Out!

Stewie

What?

Your ball was long.

Stewie

[angry] ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! THAT THING WAS IN! YOU'RE GONNA PENALIZE US BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLIND, FUCKING, BLUE JACKET PIECE OF SHIT?!

Stewie, calm down!

Warning, Mr. Griffin.

Stewie

OH, YOU'RE WARNING ME? I'M WARNING YOU! I'M GONNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOUR WIFE!