HHaji
Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
StewieWhy don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
HHaji
Li, would your people really do this?
Stewie
Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?
[Children crying and when Peter falls through the chimney]
Stewie
Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!
Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.
HHaji
But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
ACAfrican Child
Don't be stupid! Santa is black!
HHaji
Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.
LLi
Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!
PPablo
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!
[eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
Stewie
HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie
AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
Stewie
DAMN!
Stewie
No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]
Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.
Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!
Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
I don't have a mustache...do I?
Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.
Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.
[cut to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]
Stewie
Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]
Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
[imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
Stewie
Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
[imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
[Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
LLady
There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
Stewie
Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
[Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
Stewie
The port is quite good.
Stewie
Indeed.
I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie
Oh, I am sorry.
Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie
Ah, very good then.
Stewie
Oh, is it raining again?
Stewie
Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!
Stewie
This doesn't involve you, Lois!
Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
[Flashback. Stewie, who has a round head, is jumping on Peter and Lois' bed. Brian enters.]
Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
Stewie
Shut up. You're not my mother.
[He hits his head on the ceiling, which knocks it into the familiar lemon shape.]
Good God, are you alright?
Stewie
Fine. Why do you ask?
Stewie
[encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
PPengrove
Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
Stewie
[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
MMaggie
[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
Stewie
That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
MMaggie
Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
Stewie
It's a fake. It's not real.
I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
Stewie
I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie
Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
Stewie
Nothing yet.
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Stewie
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
Stewie
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
Stewie
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
Stewie
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
LLiddane
[in tears] I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
Stewie
He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while...
[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]
LLiddane
Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
Stewie
But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... [wails like a normal baby]
Stewie
Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
