Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.

Meg

Dad? What the hell are you doing!?

Peter

[drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

Peter

Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.

That's you.

Peter

Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Lois

Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!

I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".

All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]

West

Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Lois

[taking a pregnancy test] Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter

Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.

Peter

Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

That's Street Fighter.

Peter

Red, blue, green...

Those are colors.

(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.

Lois

Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

Meg

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

Lois

Chris, we all love your hat.

Chris

Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]

Peter

Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.

Lois

Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?

Peter

They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

Peter

The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.

Lois

What?!

Peter

Did not care for The Godfather.

Chris

How can you even say that?

Peter

Didn’t-didn’t like it.

Lois

Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.

Peter

This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]

Chris

Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!

Peter

I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.

Why not?

Peter

Couldn’t get into it.

Lois

Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?

Peter

It insists upon itself, Lois.

Lois

What?

Peter

It insists upon itself.

Lois

What does that even mean?

Chris

‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!

Peter

It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.

Chris

You’ve never seen the ending?!

Stewie

Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?

Lois

I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.

Peter

I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-

Lois

Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.

Peter

I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.

Chris

They’re speaking Italian!

Lois

The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.

Peter

I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.

Lois

Exactly.

Peter

Well, there ya go.

Lois

Whatever.

Chris

I like that movie, too.

Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?

Peter

Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.

Cleveland

Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.

Peter

Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!

Cleveland

Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!

Stewie

Did I miss my cue?

Peter

Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.

Chris

[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.

Lois

[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]

[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

Peter, is there anything else you want to say?

Peter

Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]

Lois

[laughs] Oh, Peter!

Peter

Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]

Peter

That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]

Lois

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

Peter

[slowly] I was raped.

Peter

Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

Lois

[chuckles harder] What? [Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.

Peter

You sound just like him! [runs off, sobbing]

Lois

Fuckin' idiot.

Lois

So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."

[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]

Chris

[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]

Meg

I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]

Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.

Meg

What did he just say to you?

Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]

Peter

Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois

OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

Joe

[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Chris

[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg

We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!

Cleveland

[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Peter

Lois, can you come out here for a second?

Peter

Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?

Lois

Peter, what is that!?

Peter

Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.

Lois

Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.

Peter

Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.

Lois

Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!

Peter

Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?

Quagmire

[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!

Cleveland

What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...

Stewie

Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

Cleveland

You're welcome.

Lois

Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!

Stewie

These are mine, you hear me? MINE!

Lois

Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Stewie

I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

What you want? What you want for Christmas?

Stewie

Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...

Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?

Fire truck!

What color?

Red!

Next!

[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!

Stewie

Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.

Lois

We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.

Hey! Take those sneakers off!

No!

Take 'em off, I said!

No! [runs off]

Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.

Principal Shepherd

Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?

Lois

A lot.

Lois

...because that's what Jesus wants.

Lois

9/11 was bad.

Lois

[to herself] God, I can't believe how easy this is.

Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment?

Lois

9/11.

Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?

Lois

Nine...

[confused] Hmm?

Lois

Eleven.