Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

[after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

Peter

How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

Lois

Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter

OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Lois

Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.

Peter

[imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!

Stewie

Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.

[imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Peter

You just hit me!

Lois

That's right!

Lois

You can't hit me, I'm a girl!

Peter

Sometimes I wonder.

Lois

Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

Peter

I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.

D.

Peter

-ot.

Dot.

B.

Peter

-et.

Bet.

Peter

Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?

P.

Peter

-it.

Pit.

Peter

Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ

F.

Peter

-at.

Fat.

Peter

Oh, that's it, buddyǃ

Lois

[to Carol] Don’t worry, Carol, we’re almost there. [noticing the car has stopped suddenly] Peter, why are we stopped?

Peter

[talking to the drive-thru ordering speaker] Uh, yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers..

Lois

Peter, for God sake, she’s having a baby!

Peter

Oh, yeah, that’s right. And a kid’s meal. And I guess I’ll have fries. [to Lois and Carol] If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don’t want to be the only one eating them, I feel like a fatty.

Peter

[after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!

Lois

What? What?!

Peter

[holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!

Peter

But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]

Lois

[takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Stewie

Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

Lois

Stewie, go to sleep.

Stewie

This doesn't involve you, Lois!

Lois

Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois

"Don we now our gay apparel."

[puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter

You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Did you hear me, young man?

Meg

I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Peter?

Peter

Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris

Elephants are bigger in person!

Lois

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?

Sure.

Lois

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?

Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.

Stewie

Shut up. You're not my mother.

Good God, are you alright?

Stewie

Fine. Why do you ask?

Lois

Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

Peter

[dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

Peter

Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois

Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?

Peter

Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.

Lois

Is there no hope?

Peter

Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Lois

No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,

Peter

All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?

Good. Good so far.

Peter

All right, all right.

Stewie

Nothing yet.

Peter

Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]

Stewie

Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]

Chris

[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.

Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]

Chris

Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]

Stewie

[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]

Peter

Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]

Stewie

No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]

Chris

Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]

Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]

Peter

Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]

Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]

Stewie

I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]

Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--

Lois

[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?

Lois

I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me.

Lois

...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...

Quagmire

Oh, God!

Lois

...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.

Quagmire

OH GOD!!!

Lois

I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Quagmire

That one is also sexual. [walks away happily]