Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

Alright, guys, we're playin' Texas Hold'em.

Are aces high or low?

Peter

They go both ways.

Hah, [to Michael Eisner] He said, "They go both ways".

Like a bisexual.

Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Peter

What the hell does "rant" mean?

Peter

Hey Chris, what you doing?

Chris

Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-haters be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.

Peter

Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Peter

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom

But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter

Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

Peter

[on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

Peter

I'm handicapped now!

Tom

Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter

Oh, come on!

Tom

[runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

Tom

That's you driving the car.

Peter

Well, there's your hook!

Tom

Get out.

It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris

[laughs] Rump.

Peter

This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

Peter

Damn it all!

SHH!

Peter

Sorry! Sorry.

Hey, shut up! Keep it down!

Peter

Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?

Take it outside, pal!

Have you ever heard of a sitter?!

Peter

[jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?

I'll make you an endangered species!

Peter

Oh, good comeback, Potsie!

I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!

Peter

Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!

Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

Jeff

[about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter

Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Hey!

Peter

Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter

You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Did you hear me, young man?

Meg

I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Peter?

Peter

Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris

Elephants are bigger in person!

Lois

Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

Peter

[dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

Peter

Lois, no one needs glasses.

Meg

You wear glasses.

Peter

That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Peter

Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois

Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?

Peter

Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.

Lois

Is there no hope?

Peter

Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

[sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?

Peter

Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.

What do you need a seeing eye dog for?

Peter

Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.

We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]

Peter

Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.

Peter

Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

Peter

I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.

Oh, my God...

Peter

[laughs] No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead!

Peter

Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.

Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

Peter

Your wife's cheatin' on ya.

Cleveland

What?!

Peter

Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!".

Uh, Peter...

Peter

Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

[bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?

Bam!

Peter

So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?