[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
PeterI miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.
Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Peter
So what do I do, Brian?
Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was.
Peter
You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...
[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]
Peter
What the hell?!
[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]
That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!
Oh, my God! He destroyed every last box!
Peter
Holy crap!
We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was.
Peter
Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.
[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]
Peter
I think I just got an idea.
[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]
Peter
Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.
[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]
Peter
I got it!
[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]
Peter
Aah! Son of a bitch!
Peter
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?
SMSpider-Man
No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.
Peter
I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.
SMSpider-Man
Yeah. Close friends. What's your name?
Peter
Peter.
SMSpider-Man
Hey, Petey; do stuff for me!
Peter
Oh, I don't like that.
SMSpider-Man
Yeah, you're a fat nobody. I'm fucking Spider-Man.
[a police cruiser pulls up to Peter, Joe and Quagmire]
Peter
Oh, thank God. Cops.
Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs! He's headed that way!
C1Cop #1
We're not here for him. [the two officers draw their pistols] We're here for you guys.
C2Cop #2
You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation.
[Cop #1 handcuffs Joe]
Peter
[as Cop #2 handcuffs him and Quagmire] Yeah, what the hell? You should be arresting the real criminals, like switchblade welding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like normal people talk!
[scene cuts to a 50s-like thug mugging an old lady and threating her with his switchblade]
STSwitchblade Thug
Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.
Peter
Lois, can I go slip N slide in the yard?
Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?
Peter
Yes, almost.
Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.
Peter
Yay, poor people water fun!
Peter
Hey, what's that in there?
GGuide
That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.
Peter
Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter; the guide closes the door; both scream and exit with their heads on each other's bodies]
Peter
Things got crazy so fast!
Peter
Oh my god, everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!
No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]
Peter
If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.
We've had this conversation. Do yourself a favor and move on.
Oh, that's interesting, Brian, because l found this [takes out his trashed play] buried in the backyard next to your soup bone!
You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like l knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".
[Cutaway]
Peter
I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
Peter
"Little" means mouse?
Peter
I feel so old and in the way.
[Present]
It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.
(panicking) I never saw that episode!
I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!
May every person who laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.
[Stewie storms out. Beat. Brian begins to cry. He runs out in the backyard, breathing heavily. He sees a squirrel]
(angry) Get in here, you bastard! [chases the squirrel after he has it pinned on the grass] You stink and your play stinks!
SSquirrel
This ain't about me, is it?
[breaks down crying] No... and l'm sorry.
JJasper
Do whatever you have to do Brian, but never let him know he's got talent.
Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard.After all I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's "I can't believe it's not butter!" With real butter.
[Cutaway to Peter taking a bite on a butter toast then he realizes something in horror.]
Peter
wh-wha? [stuttering] I can't.... I CAN'T BELIEVE... [stuttering]
[Cut to a insane Peter screaming and kicking in mental hospital while being restrained]
I don't know doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.
DDoctor
Your husband murdered 3 children.
[while Peter, Quagmire and Joe are about to skydive]
Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?
Peter
Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.
FFord
[while throwing the passengers off the plane] Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane!
Peter
Oh look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.
["Calista" is revealed to be a piece of paper flying in the wind]
Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.
Peter
Good, cuz she looks fat.
FFord
[throws Peter out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Quagmire out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Joe off his wheelchair and out the plane] Get off my plane!
[the phone rings]
[it's Peter]:
Peter
Is dinner almost ready?
Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.
Peter
Pull back my chair ever so slightly.
[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]
Peter
Ahh, Daddy's home.
[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]
Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
Peter
Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bitches!
[The Griffins are greeting their new neighbors who have moved into Cleveland's old house]
SSStan Smith
Hello, neighbors!
Peter
Joe, you can walk!
SStan
How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.
[The Griffins walk inside to meet the rest of the Smith family]
FFrancine
Oh, I'm so glad everyone could make it.
RRoger
[entering the room] Stan, I need $50. They’re selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on Ebay.
Peter
The hell kind of dog is that?
RRoger
[points to Meg] I was gonna ask the same thing.
SStan
Oh, uh, that's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know! And don't tell anybody about our attic.
[Peter’s phone rings and he answers]
Peter
Hello. Oh, hey, Quagmire! Hey, you're not gonna believe this, I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien…
[Stan suddenly shoots Peter dead.]
SGSmith and Griffin Family (except Peter and Stan)
AAAAAAH!
[scene cuts to Peter struggling to sleep in bed]
Peter, wake up! You're having a nightmare.
Peter
[waking up] Oh! Oh, Lois! Thank God it was just a dream.
HHHank Hill
[exiting the bathroom] Hey! Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?!
[scene cuts to Hank waking up in bed next to a sleeping Peggy]
HHank
[sigh] Dammit! I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
Peter
[in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.
[in a deep voice] I heard you coming.
Peter
I made myself heard.
Where have you come from?
Peter
I've come from where I've been.
You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?
Peter
Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.
Peter
There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.
But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.
Peter
Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?
[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]
My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
