Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Eat The Damn Cereal, comin' soon from Kellogg's!

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Rochelle

Julius, is something wrong with your food?

No, uh, I'm just not hungry.

For my father to waste food, that could only mean one thing: hell must've frozen over.

DThe Devil

Damn, it's cold!

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I can't stop worryin' about this refund. I keep havin' these nightmares. The government's gonna take all we own and we have to end up livin' in the street.

Rochelle

That is not gonna happen.

It happened to Redd Foxx.

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Christmas was my mother's favorite time of year. She loved the food, and she loved the decorations. My father, on the other hand, hated Christmas. He hated the food.

Rochelle

I need to go grocery shoppin'.

And he hated the decorations.

Rochelle

We need decorations.

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Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.

Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on?

Yeah. The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.

Rochelle

Everything is about Christmas.

Our ancestors played games and told stories.

Rochelle

Because our ancestors didn't have TV.

See? That's Kwanzaa's second principle, kujichagulia-- self-determination.

Rochelle

Kuji-what?

We define ourselves. We don't need the man tellin' us what to watch.

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[looking at a family photo] Hey Ma, who's that?

Rochelle

Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie! You know what? She's 12, just like you.

Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.

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Ma, I'm hungry. Can we get a snack?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! Have you seen the rats in this place?

Let's just go home and eat there.

Same rats, different borough.

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After my mother convinced Uncle Louis to fly, we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York scarier than our neighborhood.

Rochelle

OK, I want y'all to be real careful in here. This place is full of pickpockets, pimps, and... and, and murderers and child molesters and thieves.

That's the Port Authority slogan.

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Maybe we can bring somebody.

Rochelle

Wait a minute. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring somebody.

We thought about bringin' Vanessa.

Vanessa

I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? [to a waiter] You got any chimichangas?

We thought about Jerome.

Jerome

Excuse me, garçon, can we get some more silverware?

WWaitress

I just put some out.

Jerome

I don't know what happened to it. [it is then revealed that he stole some silverware]

We even thought about Mr. Omar.

[a woman is trying to save her choking husband]

Rochelle

Oh, my God! He's chokin'! Help him!

Mr. Omar

Hold on! There's nothing we can do.

WWoman

But he's still choking! [her husband dies]

Mr. Omar

Not anymore. Tragic!

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I've got good news.

Rochelle

You finally kicked the gout?

No.

Chris isn't your real son?

No.

Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?

No.

Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?

No. I am Employee of the Month.

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I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.

Ain't nobody ask you.

MDMaître D'

Young man, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your feet off the table.

What if I don't feel like it?

MDMaître D'

Then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

[stands up] What if I don't feel like doing that, either?

MDMaître D'

You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you?

[Chris argues with the Maître D', offscreen]

Rochelle

What is goin' on over there?

Is that Chris?

Rochelle

[outraged] What?

[Chris yells at Maître D' in slow-mo, with "Everybody Plays the Fool" playing in the background]

[Normal speed]

Rochelle

[yells] CHRIS!

[angrily] WHAT?!

[heartbeat thumps as Rochelle gets furious at Chris, who is shocked with an "Oh, crap!" look on his face. Scene cuts to hospital.]

Rochelle

Hey, baby.

[weakly] Ma?

DDoctor

How's everything going in here?

Rochelle

Doctor, is he going to be okay?

DDoctor

[about the X-ray of Rochelle's shoe stuck in Chris' butt] Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again. Hang in there, big guy.

Rochelle

How you feeling, sweetie?

Not too good.

Rochelle

Well, why were you acting like that?

Just trying to impress Tasha.

Rochelle

[confused] By acting like an idiot?

No. She said she liked bad boys, like Flavor Flav. Trying to act like him.

Without the money.

Rochelle

Baby, you can only be who you are. If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.

That day, I learned the most important lesson in life: Be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.

Rochelle

Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay?

Better get a shoehorn, too.

Rochelle

[to Tasha] Hi, sweetie.

[to Rochelle] Hi. [to Chris] Hey, Chris.

Tasha?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine. I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot. Forgive me?

Yeah, it's okay. That's what friends are for.

Thanks, Dionne Warwick.

[seeing Chris' X-Ray.] Is this your X-ray?

Yeah.

Boy, you so crazy.

Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.

[Chris cries in pain]

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Rochelle

[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

No pumpernickle?

Rochelle

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Hot sauce?!

Rochelle

...cinnimon,

Hot sauce?

Rochelle

...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.

Hot sauce?

[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Yep, ten rolls.

[smiles] Good girl.

Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Hot sauce?

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I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.

Rochelle

OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]

And she sacrificed on the street.

[it is cold outside]

Thanks for your coat, Momma.

Rochelle

That's OK, baby. I like the cold.

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Choosin' to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.

[Chris is then shown in a Turkish prison, locked in ankle stocks with another prisoner, who screams in agony as an interrogator whips his feet]

Rochelle

[off-screen] CHRIS!! Boy, where you at!?

My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! KILL ME NOW!!

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Rochelle

[to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?

I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.

MMs. Morello

Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.