Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!

Narrator

Two jobs equals one finger.

Narrator

While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.

Vanessa

You gotta fire Tonya.

Rochelle

Vanessa, let me talk to her first!

Vanessa

Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator

Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Vanessa

She broke up 2 marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle and she told Gloria 'bout her mole.

Rochelle

She told Gloria about her mole?...

Narrator

Oh lord, not the mole!

Vanessa

Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

Rochelle

She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

Vanessa

She didn't have to.

Rochelle

Oh...well Vanessa...!

Vanessa

[mocking voice] Rochelle! Either you fire her, or I'm gonna have to fire you.

Now you know what it's like to come into your home and not believe what the eyes are seein' because your daughter is boo-hooin', sheddin' the tears.

Rochelle

Who the hell are you?

I am Dr. Clint Huckstable, and I am the father of the daughter sheddin' all the tears because the son of the mother from Bed-Stuy... stood her up at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecomin' dance.

Julius

Rochelle, it just burns me up to think that we're up here workin' while Mr. Omar's downstairs in our house, chillin'. Oh, he's not that bad.

Rochelle

"Not bad?" Julius, in one night he managed to drink all the Kool-Aid, file his toenails on my table, and keep me up half the night playin' records.

Julius

Maybe he is a little nuisance.

Rochelle

Yeah, like cancer.

Julius

Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall outta the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown, and you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. You could be smokin' a cigarette and blow up while siphonin' 65 cents' worth of gas, and you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...

Rochelle

OK, OK, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!

Rochelle

Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.

Narrator

Translation: You blew it once, don't make it happen again.

Rochelle

What's this?

Narrator

Flowers from a white person's garden.

Rochelle

Who the hell is Oprah?

Narrator

That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle

Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!

Narrator

And neither did my father.

Rochelle

If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?

Julius

I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.

Narrator

Now legal in California.

Chris

Ma! Can I go to Times Square with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

Rochelle

Hell, no!

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Rochelle

[to Peaches, about her leopard-skin jacket] So, what do you think?

Chris Rock

[narrating] I think a leopard cub is missin' his mommy.

Rochelle

I made extra if anybody wants seconds.

Narrator

Nobody wanted firsts.

Julius

You eatin' a Slopper?

Rochelle

You want a bite?