Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

And Chrissy the Black... You just out there out calling games like you in Atlantic City huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?

Narrator

Notice: she said "if".

Chris

But I wasn't gambling.

Rochelle

You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling.

Rochelle

Are you done?

Julius

Yeah. Why?

Rochelle

'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.

Narrator

Number 3!!!

Rochelle

You can't understand comedy like this.

Chris

I understood it.

Rochelle

You understood which one?

Chris

All of 'em.

Rochelle

The one about the lady with the funny lips?

Chris

Yeah.

Julius

The one about makin' sandwiches?

Chris

Yeah.

Rochelle

The one about the black sheep?

Chris

Yeah.

Julius

The one about the Fukawi Indian?

Chris

Yeah.

Julius

What are you doing up?

Rochelle

I can't sleep.

Narrator

Translation: He can't sleep.

Rochelle

A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?

Narrator

Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.

Rochelle

If you could add and subtract, you could do this!

Narrator

My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.

Rochelle

If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

Rochelle

Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.

Rochelle

If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

Rochelle

Baby, you forgot your parachute!

Chris

What difference does it make?

Rochelle

What difference does it make?

Narrator

Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Rochelle

Chris, what kinda answer is that?

Narrator

The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.

Narrator

My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.

Rochelle

What you doin'?

Julius

Fixin' the table. All done.

Rochelle

Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?

Julius

Good as new.

Rochelle

Did you fix that noise yet?

Julius

Quiet as a mouse.

Rochelle

I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could've been me." Yeah, I could've done a lot of things. I could've won a Pulitzer Prize.

If she only learned to Pulitzer.

Rochelle

I could've been a Poet Laureate.

That don't rhyme!

Rochelle

You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.

Narrator

If she could only throw a knuckleball.

Rochelle

But instead I decided to raise your family.

Julius

Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.

Rochelle

I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.

Narrator

He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.

Rochelle

You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

Narrator

My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...

Rochelle

You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'...

Narrator

My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.

Chris

I think we should get a dog.

Narrator

I'd always wanted a dog, but my parents always said no. But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind.

Rochelle

For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog.

Narrator

Wishful thinking.

Rochelle

Believe me, there have been many other problems.

Narrator

One time the house flooded.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No. Now we have a swimming pool.

Narrator

Another time a plane dropped a load.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No way. Now we have new luggage.

Narrator

And another time, aliens took over.

Rochelle

Now can I call the insurance company?

Julius

No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.

Julius

Forget this. I'm gettin' a gun.

Rochelle

Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?

Julius

Who ate the big piece of chicken? [gets out a gun] You? Baby girl?

Rochelle

[gets out two guns] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?

Tonya

Who ate all the cereal? [gets out a shotgun] I WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!