Do you know William Henry Harrison?
ChrisYeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?
No, that was Rex Harrison.
Chris
Oh.
William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history, and guess what?
Chris
What?
Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!
Chris
But I have to study for finals!
Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?
If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.
[first lines of the final episode]
Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.
Chris
"Q"?! What's a "Q"?!
Chris
[to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off] [Chris tries to get out of the way but Caruso blocks him every time.] [annoyed] Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]
But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...
It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.
Tell that to Kim Kardashian. While most kids were still sleepin', I had to get my clothes on, wash may face, brush my teeth, eat...
Chris
[stopping a bus] Hey-hey-hey! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Wait, wait! [shows bus ticket, and the bus door opens.]
...and then catch three buses. If I got the first one on time, it gave me just enough time to catch the second one which usually made me right on time to catch the third one. And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.
Chris
[to Greg] Hey. [to Mr. Thurman] After you.
[school bell rings, and Mr. Thurman closes the door.]
[to Chris] You're late. Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.
[Chris is angry about being late, and the next scene switches to Ms. Morello's office.]
Here. [gives Chris a tardy slip.] Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not C.P. Time.
Chris
What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.
Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.
Chris
[outraged] Say what?!
[sticking to her guns] Say word.
Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!
[Chris is eating his dinner very quickly.]
While I was worried about getting to school, Tonya was worried about getting out of school.
Boy, slow down. You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.
Chris
I'm trying to get to bed. I'm really tired.
Hey, Daddy, can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?
Can I get a new dress too?
You don't need a new dress; you can wear your church dress.
But I wore that for Easter. If I wear it for graduation, I'll look back at the pictures, I won't know what I'm remembering.
You'll remember that we couldn't afford to buy you two dresses.
Chris
[finishes his drink rapidly] Plus, in one of the pictures, you'd be holding the chocolate bunny. [kisses Rochelle's cheek] Love you. Good night.
That's okay. I've been saving up for this. How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?
What are you writing, Drew?
It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.
Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster than Casper on Halloween.
Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.
They booed "Magic" Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.
"Magic" Johnson is a basketball player.
Well, they're not gonna boo me.
That's what Roseanne said before she sang The National Anthem!
Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.
Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.
It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.
Chris
Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?
As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.
After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.
Chris
Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.
No, it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?
Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."
[as Chris enters a diner] Next to a pregnancy scare, waitin' for the results from my G.E.D. was one of the scariest moments of my life.
WWaitress
Who gets that fried crust?
[Chris inserts a quarter into the jukebox on the table, then "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi plays]
Chris
Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?
They're walkin' over from Doc's.
Chris
[singing along] Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike; he's down on his luck. It's tough.
[as Drew and Tonya show up] Hey!
In his skin. When he jumps out, you can jump in.
[singing along] Hold on...
Chris
[singing along] ...if we make it or not. We'll give it a shot.
CDChris, Drew, Tonya and Rochelle
[singing along] Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it, I swear! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer!
Chris
Hey Ma, I heard they were hirin' at Red Lobster.
I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good!"?
Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?
[showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey, everybody.
Chris
[last line on the show] What's it say? [the screen blacks out afterwards, leaving it ambiguous as to whether Chris passed the G.E.D. or not, and the credits roll in silence, mimicking the final episode of The Sopranos.]
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
