Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Chris

Yeah, he's right. That's not him.

Well, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Yeah, dummy!

Chris

Oh. Now that I think about it, it's kinda all coming back. As I came around the corner, I think I might have caught a glimpse of the driver.

CCop

Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

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Hittin' someone with a car is not illegal. Lyin' to the police is.

Chris

Ma, I know you're mad, but it's over. It all worked out. It's not a big deal.

You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police, we were in the middle of a police shoot-out with a serial choker, and you don't think it's a big deal?

Not in Bed-Stuy.

’’’Rochelle’’’: Is it a big deal now?

’’’Sam’’’: So what they get you here for?

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Once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not gonna be good.

Chris

I thought your parents split up?

They did, but neither one will give up the timeshare, so I'm taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking... and fighting.

Don't forget cryin'!

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Chris

Cigarettes?

Careful! They might complicate your pregnancy.

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We can go to the shore to get girls. We can drive to Manhattan to get girls. We can go to Coney Island to get girls.

Chris

Do you realize that it's still gonna be us in the car?

It doesn't matter. Cars equal girls.

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After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

What did you say?!

Chris

I said no.

Twice!

That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Chris

Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Chris

Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

Chris

No. I'm not gonna do it.

Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight... Nine... T-ten!

I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.

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I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Chris

Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Chris

Why?

Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

And countin'!

Chris

How is that even possible?

Because she doesn't care!

Chris

It doesn't make any sense!

Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

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When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Y'all better eat that liver.

CDChris, Drew and Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

...you do it, no matter what you think.

Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew

Yes, ma'am.

No matter what it is.

Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

No matter how you feel.

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No!

What?

Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

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Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No.

Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

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First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris

Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris

Where's my underwear?

You grown. Wash your own drawers.

She didn't make my meals.

Chris

Where's my breakfast?

You grown. You can cook your own food.

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Chris

My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

I'd like to return this child.

NNurse

Do you have the receipt?

Sure do.

NNurse

Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Thank you!

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I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

What you think you doin'?

Chris

I'm makin' breakfast.

With my eggs?

Chris

No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Chris

Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris

You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris

Fine! I'm leavin'.

I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

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Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

Chris

She said she'll think about it.

But what does that mean?

Chris

It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

BGBlind Girlfriend

Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

She checked dangerous guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

RGRobber Girl

Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

She even checked guys who were girls.

Do you have a girlfriend?

AGAndrogynous Guy

I'm my own girlfriend.

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Chris

I got a surprise for you later.

You do? What is it?

It's a surprise to me, too.

Chris

Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Good one!

Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.

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After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Oh, Chris.

Chris

Hey. I was mad earlier.

I noticed.

Chris

It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.