Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

3:00 P.M. See you tomorrow.

Narrator

No he won't.

Rochelle

Who the hell is Oprah?

Narrator

That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle

Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!

Narrator

And neither did my father.

James

I'm not pettin' no farm animals.

Narrator

He was also allergic to goats.

Narrator

I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.

Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.

Narrator

You could say the same thing about crack.

Rochelle

If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?

Julius

I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.

Narrator

Now legal in California.

Greg

I can't believe your dad saved a guy. That's so cool. You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.

Narrator

Another one of Greg's pick-up techniques. If you stop a girl from killin' herself, she might go out with you.

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler to compete in this weight class, and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish win by default!

Look at you with your win by forfeit, huh? You're just one step away from getting that varsity letter.

Narrator

I'm glad my neck still works.

Rochelle

I made extra if anybody wants seconds.

Narrator

Nobody wanted firsts.

Tonya

I'm takin' the girls and startin' my own group.

Narrator

Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Julius

So I've been spendin' money on shakes while you've been wastin' money on food?!

Narrator

Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

Yes.

Julius

I work two jobs and you let me leave the house with nothin' on my stomach but a fish juice shake?!

Narrator

Not cool unless your husband's a shark.

Julius

If this is how you do it and you tryin' to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.

Narrator

That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris

Is he smart?

Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris

Cool.

Narrator

If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Narrator

While Drew was takin' his first step towards the charts, I was makin' my first step toward the mat.

Since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?

Chris

All the time. Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.

It's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Chris

They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle

Isn't that an insult?

Julius

I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator

If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.