Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

Mom, Kathleen Devereaux, 551 East 63 Street.

Greg

Dude, that's on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Do you know what kind of people live there?

Narrator

White people and Spike Lee.

Narrator

Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.

Drew

Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on?

Narrator

Yeah. The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.

Rochelle

Everything is about Christmas.

Julius

Our ancestors played games and told stories.

Rochelle

Because our ancestors didn't have TV.

Drew

See? That's Kwanzaa's second principle, kujichagulia-- self-determination.

Rochelle

Kuji-what?

Julius

We define ourselves. We don't need the man tellin' us what to watch.

Narrator

After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.

Vanessa

You're done.

Kill Moves

Ooh-ee! I look like a young Cleavon Little.

Narrator

More like an old Clifton Davis.

Narrator

While Tonya wouldn't speak about Kwanzaa, Drew was ready to start speakin' Swahili.

Drew

The first principle of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity. That means us black people gotta stick together.

Narrator

Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.

Drew

I don't like down South. People act too country.

Narrator

They're not acting.

Tonya

[looking at a family photo] Hey Ma, who's that?

Rochelle

Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie! You know what? She's 12, just like you.

Narrator

Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.

Narrator

I tried to bring Greg up to speed on the new direction of the South.

Greg

Down South? You mean, like, across the Mason-Dixon Line?

Chris

Yeah. You know, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.

Greg

Mississippi? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You going to Mississippi is like me going to... hmm, I don't know, Mississippi.

Tonya

Ma, I'm hungry. Can we get a snack?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! Have you seen the rats in this place?

Drew

Let's just go home and eat there.

Narrator

Same rats, different borough.

Narrator

After my mother convinced Uncle Louis to fly, we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York scarier than our neighborhood.

Rochelle

OK, I want y'all to be real careful in here. This place is full of pickpockets, pimps, and... and, and murderers and child molesters and thieves.

Narrator

That's the Port Authority slogan.

Drew

Maybe we can bring somebody.

Rochelle

Wait a minute. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring somebody.

Narrator

We thought about bringin' Vanessa.

Vanessa

I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? [to a waiter] You got any chimichangas?

Narrator

We thought about Jerome.

Jerome

Excuse me, garçon, can we get some more silverware?

I just put some out.

Jerome

I don't know what happened to it. [it is then revealed that he stole some silverware]

Narrator

We even thought about Mr. Omar.

Rochelle

Oh, my God! He's chokin'! Help him!

Mr. Omar

Hold on! There's nothing we can do.

But he's still choking! [her husband dies]

Mr. Omar

Not anymore. Tragic!

Greg

Dude, once a friend, always a friend. It's the Westermarck effect.

Chris

West what?

Greg

Edward Westermarck. He was a scientist. He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they will never become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Narrator

That means I still have a chance with Shakira.

Narrator

I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.

Jerome

Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

Shut up, idiot.

Jerome

I wasn't even talkin' to her.

Tasha

I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.

Chris

Ain't nobody ask you.

Young man, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your feet off the table.

Chris

What if I don't feel like it?

Then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Chris

[stands up] What if I don't feel like doing that, either?

You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you?

Rochelle

What is goin' on over there?

Julius

Is that Chris?

Rochelle

[outraged] What?

Rochelle

[yells] CHRIS!

Chris

[angrily] WHAT?!

Rochelle

Hey, baby.

Chris

[weakly] Ma?

How's everything going in here?

Rochelle

Doctor, is he going to be okay?

[about the X-ray of Rochelle's shoe stuck in Chris' butt] Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again. Hang in there, big guy.

Rochelle

How you feeling, sweetie?

Chris

Not too good.

Rochelle

Well, why were you acting like that?

Chris

Just trying to impress Tasha.

Rochelle

[confused] By acting like an idiot?

Chris

No. She said she liked bad boys, like Flavor Flav. Trying to act like him.

Narrator

Without the money.

Rochelle

Baby, you can only be who you are. If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.

Narrator

That day, I learned the most important lesson in life: Be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.

Rochelle

Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay?

Narrator

Better get a shoehorn, too.

Rochelle

[to Tasha] Hi, sweetie.

Tasha

[to Rochelle] Hi. [to Chris] Hey, Chris.

Chris

Tasha?

Tasha

Yeah. Are you okay?

Chris

Yeah, I'll be fine. I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot. Forgive me?

Tasha

Yeah, it's okay. That's what friends are for.

Narrator

Thanks, Dionne Warwick.

Tasha

[seeing Chris' X-Ray.] Is this your X-ray?

Chris

Yeah.

Tasha

Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator

Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.

Drew

Hey man, you still like Tasha?

Narrator

Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?

Greg

[To Chris] Are you sure you really wanna play Spin-The-Bottle? I mean, there's always the chance you'll end up kissing someone that's... I don't know, let's just say...

Narrator

Ugly!