Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Tonya

[To Chris] What are you looking at?

Narrator

About five to ten when I drown you in that cereal bowl.

Tonya

[As she walks into the bathroom as Chris starts kissing his reflection in the mirror] Ugh! What is wrong with you?

Narrator

Can't a boy kiss himself in the mirror in peace?

Narrator

Drew had a point. Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school.

Caruso

[elbowing Greg in the ribs] Morning, shoeshine.

Greg

I'm not black. Why'd you do that?

Caruso

I don't know where Chris is.

Drew

This doesn't look like Long Island.

Chris

It's not. This is Coney Island!

Narrator

If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.

Drew

When we get there, I'm gonna have to buy you one of those sandwiches.

Narrator

Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes.

Mr. Omar

If you know of any young men who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death, this scholarship is worth $250.

Narrator

Sounds like ticket money to me!

Rochelle

[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

Narrator

No pumpernickle?

Rochelle

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Narrator

Hot sauce?!

Rochelle

...cinnimon,

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Rochelle

...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.

Chris

Hot sauce?

Julius

[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Tonya

Yep, ten rolls.

Julius

[smiles] Good girl.

Drew

Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Julius

What are you doin' to save the Earth?

Chris

I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use to help the environment.

Narrator

Just like the Republicans.

(Sarcastically) That's wonderful! Then you can take the money and do something for the environment! You can plant a tree!

Narrator

Maybe I can plant my foot in your be---

We're gonna get the guys who ratted on me. We'd do it tomorrow but I need one day to get the guns. And you're gonna be the lookout. You cool with that, Juicy Fruit?

Narrator

MAMA!!!!!

Chris

How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?

Greg

Just ask somebody.

Chris

I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.

Narrator

I even asked Ms. Morello.

Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.

Narrator

Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?

Narrator

My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.

Fried bread crust.

Drew

Fried bread crust?

Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.

Narrator

This is for people who like bypass surgery.

Julius

[eating a bread crust] How much you need?

Narrator

And a couple of good ideas.

They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.

Julius

Well, what flavor is this?

This is milk chocolate.

Drew

Milk chocolate chocolate milk?

Narrator

Official drink of diabetes.

Narrator

When it came to dances, there were two kinds: the white kind and the black kind.

Chris

Why would I go to that dance, anyway? It's just a bunch of people who hate me, hating me in a room while dancing.

Narrator

We could film it and call it Dancing with the Bigots.

Greg

Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day: macaroni pajamas.

Chris

Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?

Narrator

When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancée a piece of rigatoni.

Narrator

The problem with going to department stores is every time a black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers or a senior citizen wearing diapers... or even one of their own.

He's on the move.

What do you mean, "I'm on the move?" I work here!

Sorry. Force of habit.