Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.

Narrator

After three days of studyin', I was a lot like William Henry Harrison: dead.

Narrator

I didn't freak out like that again until Big Pun died.

Narrator

The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lotsa different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves, and some kids took it out on others.

Julius

Chris, I was in the basement. I didn't see your bike.

Chris

[quickly makes up a lie] I put it under a sheet so it wouldn't get dirty.

Rochelle

[suspiciously] Not my good sheets?

Chris

[shakes his head] No, ma'am.

Chris Rock

[narrating] If my parents found out about my bike, this was gonna be my last meal.

Rochelle

What'd you put in these eggs?

Julius

A little ham, cheddar cheese, seasoned salt, a touch of Basil, and just a, a little dash of hot sauce.

Rochelle

They taste a little funny.

Julius

Did you want something else?

Rochelle

I'll have some sausage.

Julius

Okay.

Rochelle

[takes a bite of sausage] Hmm. [Julius is quizzical] A little dry.

Julius

Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.

Rochelle

[shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.

Julius

Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.

Julius

[Rochelle stares at Julius] What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle dryly smiles, stands up, and a warning message appears on screen]

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Well, ain't this about a bi--?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for [crash] one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! [crash; everyone ducks and moans] You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" a--! [another crash, everyone runs away, screaming; cut to Rochelle inside] Have you LOST your mind?! [She leaves the room]

Chris Rock

[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

Julius

[pretending to be tired] Hey, what are ya gon' make for dinner? [Rochelle stares at him.] Huh?

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? "Dinner"?! Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons?! Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off yo head!

Rochelle

Chris, come straight home so you can go trick or treating with Drew and Tonya.

Narrator

Damn!

Narrator

It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

Rochelle

Here's your chicken!

Julius

And you better not get me dessert!

Rochelle

I get you what I want!

Narrator

From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.

Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!

It's a boy!

Julius

I found a dollar!

Narrator

That's not even my mother!

Tonya

[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle

The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.

Narrator

Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...

Drew

Cookie?

Narrator

That's right, cookie. Not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.

Narrator

My dad liked game shows.

Julius

C'mon, sista. You can do it.

Narrator

And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.

What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!

Julius

$430.

I want the first bid from Bennette.

$400.

Julius

That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.

$625.

Julius

Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.

$580.

Julius

What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?

Narrator

My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.

Rochelle

How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.

Julius

That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle

So who put this pot on the stove?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

Rochelle

Who tore up my back seat?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Julius

Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Rochelle

Who spilt this oatmeal?

Wasn't me.

Narrator

Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]

Rochelle

I need to know where you are, who are you with and what you're doing. How do I know that you're not out there selling drugs? You could be the kingpin of a Columbian drug Cartel for all I know!

Chris

I'm not out there selling drugs.

Rochelle

How do I know that?

Narrator

My mother had one golden life for her kids. Don't sell drugs! As long as everybody else is doing that, everyone else is okay!

Mam, your son shot the Mayor.

Rochelle

Did he sell drugs?

No Mam!

Rochelle

Get in there, boy!

Mam, your son shot the Governor, kidnap his daughter, rob the President and ran a red light.

Rochelle

He ain't selling no drugs did he?

No mam!

Rochelle

Boy, get in there!

Tonya

I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Narrator

When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

Chris

[to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?

Narrator

I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:

Chris

Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]

Julius

I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?