Morris quotes from E.R.

Abby

[as baby Joe starts to fuss] I'm gonna have to feed him now.

Yeah, I'm down with that. Breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural thing, nothing to be ashamed of.

Abby

You're not sneaking a peek at my tits, Morris.

Okay.

Hope

Have you accepted Jesus into your heart?

Jesus from accounting?

Pratt

What the hell happened to you?

I was attacked by ninjas.

Pratt

[looks at the patient] Who's this?

An obnoxious soccer dad... blunt head trauma, with LOC, breathing on his own. What's open?

Pratt

Talk to me, Morris.

Nothing to talk about! The guy came at me, I defended myself. I'm patching him up.

Pratt

Why'd he come at you?

Have you ever been to a kid's soccer game? [snatches the chart out of Pratt's hand dramatically and storms off] Parents are crazy!

You turned down the chance to be the next Sanjay Gupta? Are you insane, woman?

Kerry

I have no interest in fluff pieces about sunburns and bee stings.

What's wrong with fluff? Half the patients who come through here are fluff! I'm the king of fluff!

Frank

Word is, you're the best fluffer in town.

I should've stayed a resident. No responsibilities, just heal 'em and deal 'em, that was the life.

Morris, can I tell you something as a friend? [Morris nods] Sometimes you are such a little bitch! You make three times as much as I do, and for what? Give orders, instead of take them? Boo-hoo for you!

Hope

I lied to Samantha about something- and now she's really steamed.

Oooh- bad move. Piss one nurse off, piss 'em all off- it's like the mafia.

The human shish kebab will be fine, no thanks to that incredibly imbecilic stunt of yours.

Hey, how were we supposed to know the handle would break off?

Ok, alright, just for fun, let's pretend that you each have even a modicum of gray matter that you've somehow managed to fashion into some crude rudimentary semblance of a brain. Then you would know you never pull out something near a vital structure unless you're in the OR.

Hope

We remove foreign bodies all the time in the ER.

Pulling a vibrator out of someone's ass. Not the same thing.

Hey, hey! Dr. Bobeck acted under my supervision and on my orders.

Perfect! It's the halfwit leading the dimwit!

Look, you obnoxious bore! The ER works damn hard for every patient we see. We acted in this guy's best interest when no one, not even surgery, would give him the time of day. Now, did we do something that didn't work? Yes. Fine, it happens sometimes. I will take full responsibility, but at least we got off of our asses and tried to help.

Oh, well, gold stars for the ER asses!

Hey! What is it about your need to belittle other people? Does insulting someone make you feel like a man? Bolster what little self-esteem you're clinging to? Wow! You know, I can't even begin to imagine what happened in your life to make you the kind of person that everybody hates.

Hope

I could kiss you right now.

Really?

Hope

Umm...Now it's gone.

Don't you know that there's a rule that if millions of kids believe in the same thing, it becomes real?

That's not a rule.

Yeah. Every time you're generous, or thoughtful, or help someone who needs help, that's a little bit of Santa too.

Simon

Doc, doc, you gotta get me out of here, man. I got a hot date tonight.

Does, uh, she take air or helium? [chuckles]

Simon

She takes Visa. That was funny.

Epi has a one minute half-life.

Simon

I have a body part with that same problem.

Pratt

You want me to talk to this dude because I'm black.

Well, yeah. I mean, you are black, aren't you?

Pratt

That's wrong, Morris.

What? We do this all the time! If I had a pregnant girl, I might get Abby. Big Croatian, Kovac.

Pratt

I didn't come to you with my autistic Irish kid.

You could've! You should've!

Please tell Mr. Morales that there are things that he can buy that won't get, uh, stuck up there. You know, like a wide base, or a string attached.

Dawn

My Spanish definitely ain't that good.

Uh, Señor. [gesturing to his behind] Este una salida! No entrada!

Gates

You can't send me home!

You shoulda thought about that before, cowboy.

Gates

I helped the guy without sedation-

You went against my orders!

Gates

Oh come on, Morris-

And you're supposed to be a soldier-

Gates

[angry]) I am a soldier! A real one!

Coulda fooled me.

Gates

You're acting like I killed the guy-

I am sick and tired of you not taking orders! In the time that you got here, you have placed a subclavian line without supervision, you tapped a V.P. shunt without even calling neurosurgery, you overrode an Attending to give Digibind to a guy who was already brain-dead!

Gates

[sarcastically] What, you keepin' score?

[counting on his fingers] Transposed numbers, falsified charts, you're slow as hell with documentation-

Gates

You know what, you sound like my old girlfriend-

And still you act like you're God's gift to medicine! Like, like you're too good to seek advice or need help. [Gates smirks] You're arrogant and dangerous, and I've had enough. We all have. Go home.

Gates

Where's Kovac?

This is my call, not his.

Gates

Okay. [walks off]

Pratt

What was that all about?

I sent him home

Pratt

[shrugs] I tried that, once.

Pratt

You guys know me, I've never been married before.

But he's dated women who were!

Leave your mom out of it, Morris!

Ohhhh!

Your wedding was awesome. I just hope that thing I did didn't make you lose your security deposit.

Luka

What thing?

What?