Morris quotes from E.R.

He's hemodynamically stable, with no parataneal signs!

So why'd you call me down here?!

Look, Missy, it's protocol, all right? [Albright turns and approaches him menacingly]

You- didn't- really just call me 'Missy', did you?

[suddenly nervous] Okay, look- the case meets trauma criteria!

Next time, call me when you know what you've got on your hands!

...You should pay more attention to your interns, Red.

Neela

I'm an R2, actually.

Ok, R2. Call me about that surgical elective- we might be able to work something out. [leaves, Morris exhales sharply]

Pratt

Wait. What are you doing man? [Morris unbuttons his shirt] You got extra nipples?

Yes! Red hair, porcelain skin and four nipples. You know what gym class was like for me growing up? Hey, nipple boy, here here little piggy, look it's the ugly suckling! I heard them all

Hey! We don't knock?

Ray

On a curtain? What are you guys doing with my patient anyway?

Pratt

Nothing. Morris was just showing me his extra pair of nipples.

Oh my God! I can't believe you just violated my doctor patient privilege!

Pratt

I'm not your doctor, Morris and you sure as hell ain't my patient.

Ray

Wow, look at those! That is freaky! You should get them all pierced, wear 'em like chain mail.

Jerry

[about Pratt's suit] Dr. Pratt! Who's the lucky lady?

Pratt

Oh, no, no- it's nothing like that, just a little charity event I gotta attend to.

[adjusting Pratt's tie] Oh, don't you be coy, Pratt! Chicago's 50 hottest bachelors are being auctioned off to benefit the Chicago Health Coalition! [Pratt chuckles]

Jerry

Impressive!

[peeved] I, the 51st hottest bachelor, didn't make the cut.

Abby

How's Olivia feel about this?

Pratt

Feel about what?

Abby

the fact that someone's buying a date with her boyfriend?

Pratt

Aw, I wouldn't put it that way! It's a good cause- she's cool.

Haleh

[sarcastically] Really? Your African-American girlfriend is cool with her African-American boyfriend bein' put up on the block for a bunch of rich white women to bid on?

Pratt

[grins] Take it easy, Angela Davis. How do you know they're all white? See ya!

Abby

Really impressive how you guys can leap from misogyny to homophobia in a single bound!

Frank

Hey, you're the one who was just calling Albright a bitch.

Abby

Oh, right- after you did! Anyway, that's not the point- the point is, why is everybody so bigoted around here?!

Ray

No more overnights for Abby.

Yeah, Kovac, your woman's starting to sound a little kooky.

Abby

Oh, Morris, I swear to God, if you ever- ever- refer to me as someone's 'woman' again, I will slap you silly with this hole-punch! [she shoves said hole-punch in his face, startling him]

Ray

Don't you mean bitch-slap?

Why are you still here?

Abby

Uh, 'cause my fridge at home was empty and I was hungry

[looking at the ice cream sandwich she is eating] Didn't I see you eating one of those 20 minutes ago?

Abby

This is my third.

Third? What are you, pregnant?

Abby

What? What are you talking about?

Oh my God, you are!

Abby

You're crazy.

You are, aren't you??

Abby

No...

You are totally pregnant!

Abby

So what, you're in love with Albright.

I am not!

Abby

Oh Morris, come on.

You shut up.

Abby

You shut up too.

You shut up first!

Pratt

Shut up about what?

Nothing.

Abby

Nothing.

Abby

[noticing a gift basket full of baby items] Hey, what's this?

Frank

Oh, that's for you and the little bastard.

Abby

Thanks, Frank.

Kerry

Hey, congratulations!

Abby

Thank you. It was supposed to be a secret. [looks pointedly at Morris]

Wha- everybody was saying you were getting puffy! I was trying to defend you!

Abby

I'm getting puffy?

Luka

You're not getting puffy.

...And in Curtain One, a severe case of over-golding.

Ray

Over- whating?

Prepare to be amazed.

Abby

Got anything for me, Chief?

Oh, yes. For you: Anal warts-

Abby

Every girl's dream.

And raw oyster anphylaxis.

Chuny

Ugh, how can anyone eat those things?

Abby

They're supposed to be an aphrodisiac.

Trust me, they work.

[to Neela about her cookies] Yeah, uhm... After careful consideration from your ER peers, plus Hector in janitorial services...

Frank

Just the feeling is, your cookies are...

Ray

The worst cookies ever made in the history of baking.

Neela

[laughing] Shut up. [long, silent pause, then angrily, while leaving] Bollocks to you all!

[calling after her] The truth hurts!

[to an anemic patient] Did you hit your head when you passed out?

I don't think so, but then I was unconscious at the time.

He was slumped over in the back seat, but he was wearing his seatbelt.

Malik, a little help?

What, are you givin' away free toasters here or somethin'?

Abby, you get fever rash. I will take dog bite to the ear lobe. Wait, no...you take dog bite and I'll take the rash. It could be Rubella. We wouldn't want our baby getting a TORCH infection.

Abby

What?

TORCH infection. You know, herpes.

Abby

I know what a TORCH infection is.

Then you know it wouldn't be good for our baby.

Abby

Why do you keep calling it "our" baby?

I don't mean our baby like you and me. I mean like our baby, like an ER mascot.

Abby

This baby isn't anybody's mascot. [she walks away]

Oh, come on! Don't go away mad!

Ray! Meet my kids!

Ray

Your what?

I needed some extra cash in college, donated to a sperm bank. Best job I ever had, by the way.

I call no more kids. I'm sick of getting bit, kicked and pissed on.

Abby

I guess that means you stopped dating too, huh?

Frank

What'd you do, rob a pimp?

Yeah, your dad says hi.

So, are you loving motherhood?

Abby

Yeah, it's, ah, it's bizarre.

Sore nipples?