It's the dream again, Duckman. You're letting it win. I know. I used to have a recurring dream. I dream I fell and hit my head on a fishbowl. Hurt myself just bad enough to work the graveyard shift at a convenience store. A group of Hare Krishnas always came in at 4 a.m. and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs. Then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby-Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. "Why?" I'd ask myself. "What could it mean? Am I mad? Or is the world just a mystery too complex to understand?"
[talking about giving Duckman a "love potion" to increase his appeal to women] Given your proven record of mindbogglingly destructive excess we felt giving you more than that would be like giving Michael Jackson a drum of peanut oil and some Cub Scouts. Allegedly.
Your children. You're still the only father they have. That makes you special. No one else could've created the family that you did. [beat] I mean that in a good way.
Oh, what's the point? Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them, [slumps on Beatrice's gravestone] and maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why they ignore me. Beatrice made me a better person. Without her here to help, I'm... I'm just not a very good father.
[tearing up] I miss her. You know, tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary. I forgot. I guess I blocked it out. [wipes a tear away] It's the first one I've had to spend without her.
Cornfed
That may explain the way you've been feeling lately.
Nope. [the next disguise is a piece of abstract art similar to that of Pablo Picasso] Uh-uh. [the final disguise is Vincent van Gogh] Who's this supposed to be?
Cornfed
I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rhythmic linear brushstrokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and who was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation.
The beard's cool, let's do it. What about your disguise? [Cornfed opens his fang-filled mouth wide] GRAHH!! Who are you supposed to be?! [Cornfed takes off fang dentures]
No, spam-for-brains, do ya think there's anything wrong with my bill?!
Cornfed
You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don't match, it's covered with nicotine stains, acne, scars, varicose veins, and it whistles when you chew? [he turns to Duckman for a beat] I mean, no. Nothing I can see.
[groans] Blacking out. Swoon. Down I go. Must be my potassium deficiency.
RRegine
Here, have a banana.
Cornfed
You offered me a banana? The phallic fruit? I'm uncomfortable with what that implies. I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment.
RRegine
What? You can't. I didn't mean anything. Besides, it can't be harassment. I'm not even a-- [gasps]
Cornfed
You're not even a what? A woman? That's right. I had to appear to abandon Duckman so I could infiltrate your society because of a hunch I had as to your real identity. The broken French accent, the unnaturally husky voice, the second-rate acting. You can only be one person: Gerard Depardieu. [unmasks "Regine"]
Sorry to come in without knocking, but these shows are only 22 minutes. Since it's been well over a month since Duckman entered the mental hospital, I can only assume that he's being held against his will, and once again, it's up to us to rescue him.
Oops, I'm due at a rehearsal of the tristate water safety civilian review board pep gals glee club!
Cornfed
Bernice, this is about the right of ordinary citizens to be free from the capricious imposition of a state-enforced idea of normalcy. Also, he owes me three dollars.
I've reversed your electroshock. Lucky I sent away for that course in neurosurgery. Hey, if Sally Struthers is selling, I'm buying. You see, Duckman, I realized that it's the person who can cheerfully accept the madness of this world that is truly insane.
You said a mouthful, old swine of mine. That hospital may have been a stinking hellhole, but the so-called normal world is really bad. So let's face it: the only answer, the only sane way to deal with any of this... is ruthless random acts of violence! Making sure they're all wiped out, the innocent and guilty alike, in a hail of gunfire! Cleft in twain by my mighty sword! Trampled into the dust and squashed like the stupid, tiny unsegmented insects they are! And--
Cornfed
[knocks him out with ether again] Of course, I may need to do a little fine-tuning.
Duckman, part of me believes you're judicious and mature enough to handle unlimited power. Of course, that same part of me believes that JFK shares a townhouse with Elvis and Jim Morrison on a small Mediterranean island.
Esta usted une snobbo? If I thought, as you do, that government should be run only by competent and experienced and smart and reasonable people, I would never have voted for term limits! Besides, me having unlimited power, the blind adoration of millions, total control over the fate of an entire people - what could possibly go wrong?
Cornfed
[to the camera] For a complete list, send twelve dollars to Journal Graphics, Washington, DC, 20300.
Oh. Once again, I've confused Dad's psyche with a toasted breakfast food. Although the image of fighting off a bloodthirsty waffle will forever remain a favourite in the playground of my mind...
Cornfed
I can't let you join us, boys. Regardless of the circumstances, the notion of teaching you to betray your own father paralyzes me with guilt.
Duckman · 48 quotes
Cornfed
