Eric T. Duckman quotes from Duckman

Duckman

All right, that's it! I've had it! For all the response I get around here, I might as well be invisible! [starts fading away] I know your mother died. I know she left you and the house to your sister, but I still live here! I'm still the man of the house, and demand to be heard! To be recognized! To be... [fades; Grandma-ma farts]

Duckman

I don't get it. I break for animals if they're big enough to dent my car. I don't pop any zits above the eye line. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated.

Duckman

My own family ignores me, and who can blame them? There's nothing special about me, nothing unique. I'm just one more duck detective who works with a pig and lives with the twin sister of his dead wife, three sons in two bodies, and a comatose mother-in-law who's got so much gas, she's a fire hazard.

Duckman

Come here chicken and prepare to meet your colonel.

Duckman

Your washed up, dont be suprised if MTV Unplugged starts calling.

Duckman

Bunch of dead-skin no-humor pansies! You tell 'em an icebreaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness, and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy, and suddenly they get all sensitive, like I offended one of them or something! Makes you wonder why they asked me to talk in the first place!

Duckman

(holding sign) I Promise Not to Jump Out At A Red Light And Abduct Your Children For $$$$$

Duckman

Shouldn't you be be out revving your engines really loud while people are trying to sleep or weaving in and out of traffic with complete disregard for the safety of others? Or beating up hippies at a free rock concert?

Duckman

I've seen the light, Bernice. From now on, there's only one answer: I'll confine my remarks to inanimate objects! They can't sue!

Duckman

You hear that, Cornfed? I'm not special. Even my own killer doesn't think so.

Cornfed

[whacks his face] Get a hold of yourself, Duckman.

Duckman

It's true, Cornfed. I'm just like that bomber, I... I lost my identity when I lost my wife.

Cornfed

But you still have something he doesn't, remember?

Duckman

His chainsaw?

Cornfed

Your children. You're still the only father they have. That makes you special. No one else could've created the family that you did. [beat] I mean that in a good way.

Duckman

Oh, what's the point? Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them, [slumps on Beatrice's gravestone] and maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why they ignore me. Beatrice made me a better person. Without her here to help, I'm... I'm just not a very good father.

Cornfed

Things sure have changed over the years.

Duckman

[tearing up] I miss her. You know, tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary. I forgot. I guess I blocked it out. [wipes a tear away] It's the first one I've had to spend without her.

Cornfed

That may explain the way you've been feeling lately.

Duckman

I'll bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy!

Fluffy

Why shouldn't they?

Duckman

Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Will you hurry up with those disguises? Four of those mindless pod people are my family!

Uranus

Okay, Mr. Duckman, but may I say I don't think you should just dismiss the notions of miracles.

Fluffy

It's a miracle every time a new leaf grows, every time a newborn baby cries...

Duckman

[kicks Fluffy into a paper shredder] Every time you shut up and do what I tell ya! Now turn me into one of those art world freakos, or you're next!

Uranus

[chuckles nervously] When you are in a hurry...

Duckman

Nope. [the next disguise is a piece of abstract art similar to that of Pablo Picasso] Uh-uh. [the final disguise is Vincent van Gogh] Who's this supposed to be?

Cornfed

I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rhythmic linear brushstrokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and who was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation.

Duckman

The beard's cool, let's do it. What about your disguise? [Cornfed opens his fang-filled mouth wide] GRAHH!! Who are you supposed to be?! [Cornfed takes off fang dentures]

Cornfed

Your agent.

Duckman

I made a fool of myself.

Bernice

Don't be upset, Duckman. Lots of religious visionaries were misunderstood, persecuted, even publicly humiliated in their time. Of course, none of them went on live TV waving a magic Etch A Sketch!

Duckman

Well, for one fleeting moment I got to feel the way you get to feel. It felt nice to know that for sure, someone was out there making incredible things happen. Someone was watching over us. Someone I could turn to at any moment of any day. I shouldn't have tried to take that away from you. Not that I'll ever get sucked in again, I'm back! And let me tell you, it'll be a cold day in Hawaii before I just accept the fact that there's anything out there that has that much power over our lives, that we should let control everything we say and do, that we should worship twenty-four hours a day! [laughing]

Ajax

Hey, look - there's a tanker explosion on America's Most Tragic Home Videos.

I see, they're saying television is worshipped like a religion... I hate message shows. [presses a button on his remote, ending the episode]

Dad didn't forget our plans, did he?

Mambo

Does a high-ranking religious figure evacuate his bowels in a wooded area?

Duckman

Plans?

Mambo

You were supposed to take us to the unveiling of the new supercomputer at the Museum of Science and Technology.

We left you a note.

Duckman

You expected me to find that?!

Mambo

You found our 50 dollars there last week.

Bernice

Front-row tickets to Busty Bikini Babefest.

Duckman

It's not like it sounds! First prize is a scholarship or, uh... something.

Bernice

Duckman, you're despicable! You make plans with your children, then lie to them about some so-called "case," denying them a one-time-only educational and historical experience, just so you can spend an afternoon degrading women by treating them as worthless sex objects for your abject and debauched pleasure!

Duckman

What's the bad part?