I'll bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy!
Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Will you hurry up with those disguises? Four of those mindless pod people are my family!
UranusOkay, Mr. Duckman, but may I say I don't think you should just dismiss the notions of miracles.
It's a miracle every time a new leaf grows, every time a newborn baby cries...
[kicks Fluffy into a paper shredder] Every time you shut up and do what I tell ya! Now turn me into one of those art world freakos, or you're next!
Uranus
[chuckles nervously] When you are in a hurry...
[the first disguise is Salvador Dali, complete with a melting watch]
Nope. [the next disguise is a piece of abstract art similar to that of Pablo Picasso] Uh-uh. [the final disguise is Vincent van Gogh] Who's this supposed to be?
I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rhythmic linear brushstrokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and who was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation.
The beard's cool, let's do it. What about your disguise? [Cornfed opens his fang-filled mouth wide] GRAHH!! Who are you supposed to be?! [Cornfed takes off fang dentures]
The reason people come to the Duckman Detective Agency is Duckman, not Cornfed!
Uranus
[over intercom] Phonecall for Mr. Cornfed.
Uranus
Carrier pigeon for Mr. Cornfed.
Semaphore for Mr. Cornfed.
Uranus
Smoke signals for Mr. Cornfed.
[shouts out the window] CORNFED DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE!!!
ICIndian Chief
Hmm, let's try him at home. [picks up a phone and dials Cornfed's number]
What are you bothering me with that stuff for?! I told ya - he's gone! Fired! He was nothing but a big pink weight on my shoulders, and we're better off without him!
Uranus
How's the case going without him?
Case? What case? Oh right, the case! I was just about to put it to bed. [chuckles] Along with the client.
Hmm. The kind of joke he'd probably enjoy telling when Cornfed was around.
Hey, maybe it's time for you two hairballs to do something around here besides irritating the hell outta me!
Uranus
On a case?!
I'll start with a couple questions, not that I don't already know the answers. I do. I just wanna, you know, see how you're thinking. Suppose you're the chairman of a large--
Uranus
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Chair person.
Suppose you're the chair person of a large corporation that makes meat on a stick.
Oh, Mr. Duckman! We couldn't support the killing of animals for food!
Uranus
Nor the senseless slaughter of trees for sticks!
Okay... You're the chair people of a large, environmentally friendly corporation that produces wholesome apples. Now! You're supposed to prove that someone died of natural causes. What would you do?
Are the apple free-range, or are they grown in captivity?
[Duckman throws Fluffy and Uranus out the window, who then land on the street and get run over by a streetsweeper]
Mr. Duckman, you've only been here eight hours, and already you've turned our whole world topsy-turvy!
Uranus
We spent the entire morning burning your sheets, and your mattress, and the bed, and the carpet around the bed leading into the bathroom! And the bathroom!
You have to treat people with respect, Mr. Duckman, whether it's what you say to them or how you act in their house!
[apathetically, takes the fried eggs he made from their rare finch eggs] Uh-huh, look, these eggs need a little ketchup, is there anything else?
Uranus
[furious] As a matter of fact, there is. Get the [beep] out of here, Mr. Duckman.
[Duckman stands in shocked silence]
You deaf, Mr. [beep]hole?! Get the [beep] out of here before we [beep]ing tear your [beep]ing [beep] off and shove it up your [beep]ing [beep]!
[They point at the door and he sadly leaves, giving a brief hopeful smile before they slam the door on him]
Ooh, that felt pretty [beep]ing good!
And you two are... what are you two again?
FUFluffy and Uranus
We're Mr. Duckman's assistants.
Ha! They're just here so Duckman can take phoney-baloney tax write-offs.
Used to be, Mambo, but thanks to right-wing religious nutballs, it's now a sacred duty to God and America to disobey whatever laws you don't agree with! Err, which reminds me - if any G-men come sniffing around, we don't have automatic weapons stockpiled in the basement, okay?
[At the end of the episode...]
WWoman
Stop! Stop the wedding!
Sold, Sally! Too late! You should've... [gasps]
FUFluffy and Uranus
[gasp]
BKBernice, King Chicken, and Beverly
[gasp]
[The woman turns out to be Beatrice, Duckman's supposedly deceased wife]
HCHoney Chicken
Who's Beatrice?
My wife. Uh, my, uh, my first wife. I-I mean... [to Beatrice] You're alive.
BBeatrice
Well, yeah. Sure I am. Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?
[The crowd gasps]
Uh... Duckman, I can explain.
[Beatrice and Duckman stare at each other for a moment]
[To be continued...?]
[the episode ends.]
Duckman · 48 quotes
