Aunt Bernice quotes from Duckman

Duckman

I made a fool of myself.

Bernice

Don't be upset, Duckman. Lots of religious visionaries were misunderstood, persecuted, even publicly humiliated in their time. Of course, none of them went on live TV waving a magic Etch A Sketch!

Duckman

Well, for one fleeting moment I got to feel the way you get to feel. It felt nice to know that for sure, someone was out there making incredible things happen. Someone was watching over us. Someone I could turn to at any moment of any day. I shouldn't have tried to take that away from you. Not that I'll ever get sucked in again, I'm back! And let me tell you, it'll be a cold day in Hawaii before I just accept the fact that there's anything out there that has that much power over our lives, that we should let control everything we say and do, that we should worship twenty-four hours a day! [laughing]

Ajax

Hey, look - there's a tanker explosion on America's Most Tragic Home Videos.

I see, they're saying television is worshipped like a religion... I hate message shows. [presses a button on his remote, ending the episode]

Bernice

Front-row tickets to Busty Bikini Babefest.

Duckman

It's not like it sounds! First prize is a scholarship or, uh... something.

Bernice

Duckman, you're despicable! You make plans with your children, then lie to them about some so-called "case," denying them a one-time-only educational and historical experience, just so you can spend an afternoon degrading women by treating them as worthless sex objects for your abject and debauched pleasure!

Duckman

What's the bad part?

Duckman

[pointing a knife at Cornfed] Stay outta this, porky!

Cornfed

Easy, Duckman. I know over two hundred ways to kill a man.

You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out through his face.

Cornfed

Two hundred and one.

Duckman

Shut up, both of you! I'm sick of looking at you!

Bernice

You're not sick of looking at Sherry! You spent the last six days watching that videotape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for!

[to Cornfed] You said you erased that.

Cornfed

Erased, ran off thousands of copies - it's such a fine line.

Bernice

Little bubbly?

Duckman

I know it's the water jets plus that dam digestive problem of mine. I..mm.. you didn't mean the water did ya?

Bernice

Who is it?

Ajax

Ajax

Bernice

You don't have to knock here, You can just come in here.

Ajax

I knew there was one house I could do that at.

Mail call! Dad got a package.

Bernice

Hm... a videotape in a plain brown wrapper.

Bernice

From the boys' school!

Cornfed

Sorry to come in without knocking, but these shows are only 22 minutes. Since it's been well over a month since Duckman entered the mental hospital, I can only assume that he's being held against his will, and once again, it's up to us to rescue him.

Bernice

Oops, I'm due at a rehearsal of the tristate water safety civilian review board pep gals glee club!

Cornfed

Bernice, this is about the right of ordinary citizens to be free from the capricious imposition of a state-enforced idea of normalcy. Also, he owes me three dollars.

Duckman

So, pot roast tonight?

Bernice

You peg-legged puke-meister! We've got to go after him before he does something horrible!

Duckman

He just proposed to you, I'm thinking "horrible" is behind him.

Dr. Susan Fox

And you two are... what are you two again?

We're Mr. Duckman's assistants.

Bernice

Ha! They're just here so Duckman can take phoney-baloney tax write-offs.

Duckman

So?

Mambo

Dad, it's illegal.

Duckman

Used to be, Mambo, but thanks to right-wing religious nutballs, it's now a sacred duty to God and America to disobey whatever laws you don't agree with! Err, which reminds me - if any G-men come sniffing around, we don't have automatic weapons stockpiled in the basement, okay?

But we don't.

Duckman

Riiight...

Stop! Stop the wedding!

Duckman

Sold, Sally! Too late! You should've... [gasps]

[gasp]

[gasp]

Duckman

Beatrice.

Bernice

Beatrice?!

King Chicken

Beatrice?!

Beatrice.

Who's Beatrice?

Duckman

My wife. Uh, my, uh, my first wife. I-I mean... [to Beatrice] You're alive.

Well, yeah. Sure I am. Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?

Cornfed

Uh... Duckman, I can explain.