Josh Nichols quotes from Drake & Josh

Crazy Steve

Excuse me, Josh.

Josh

What?

Crazy Steve

I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way.

Josh

I AM angry. Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face.

Drake

[he stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what? You know what? Enough with the cards, alright? I got big problems.

Josh

What, that Eric thing?

Drake

Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what?

Josh

What?

Drake

I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!

Josh

You don't want to do that. [grabs him]

Drake

Then give me a one good reason.

Josh

'Cause it's not gonna help you, alright? It's just gonna make you look worse. You're gonna have handle these things maturely.

Drake

Kinda like you do with Mindy?

Josh

DIFFERENT! [crosses his arms]

Drake

It's not different?

Josh

Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage. OUTRAGE!

Drake

And Eric wrecking my life isn't?

Josh

I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]

[worried, mumbling] Why?

Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?

Josh

[insanely mad] Oh, you want some ginger ale, do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale. Oh, no! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad, why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth, so Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

Drake

Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.

Josh

Yeah, me, too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.

Drake

Look, let's just get out of here.

Josh

Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.

Drake

Well, hurry.

Josh

Okay! Smile, Hervay.

Drake

Awww. He's playing dead.

Josh

I think he really is dead!

Drake

Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!

Josh

W-W-What can I do about it?

Drake

I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him.

Josh

Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.

Drake

Just give him CPR!

Josh

[whining] Oh Alright! [takes out Hervay from his cage] Stay with me buddy, stay with me!

Drake

Okay.

Josh

[blows on Hervay's mouth] 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! [blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails] That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!

Drake

NO! [runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]

Josh

[Grabs Drake backwards] HE'S GONE!

Drake

Josh, Megan is going to kill us!

Josh

Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.

Drake

Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!

Josh

WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

Drake

She got us, by not getting us.

Josh

Genius.

Megan

Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned him. He's fine, see? [shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]

MEGAN!

Josh

Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.

Drake

You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!

Josh

[takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?

Drake

Fake ID, here, check mine out. [takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]

Josh

[reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?

Drake

[laughs] Yeah, made it up.

Josh

[sarcastically] Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?

Drake

Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...

Josh

It's illegal to use fake IDs!

Drake

Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!

Josh

Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

What's this?

Josh

That's a grapefruit.

[eats the grapefruit] It's a little sour. Good thing I always carry around a little sugar with me. [puts sugar on the grapefruit]

Josh

Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?

Drake

Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.

Josh

Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.

Drake

Yeah, right, right, right, right.

Josh

Okay.

Drake

Uh...

Josh

Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.

Drake

Okay.

Josh

Teamwork.

Drake

Alright.

Josh

To the left.

Drake

Ow!

Josh

To the--

Drake

Grab it.

Josh

Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.

Drake

Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.

Josh

Oh, this isn't gonna work.

Drake

Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.

Josh

I'm not sticking my nose down there.

Drake

Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?

Josh

I think so.

Drake

Oh, just dial the number.

Josh

Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.

Drake

Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.

Josh

It is allergy season.

What was that?

It sounded like a car door.

It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt.

Dad.

Josh

[after tapping a jar of pickles with a knife and glass goes everywhere] Thanks for the tip, dad!

Drake

Josh! Josh! [trips on the glass]

Megan

Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?

Drake

Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.

Josh

Why?

Drake

'Cause we bought tickets.

Josh

[to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?

Megan

I don't care what you're doing.

Drake

But you just asked us.

Megan

Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves their room smiling smugily]

Drake

Okay I wanna know what her deal is!

Josh

Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!

Drake

Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.

Josh

Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.

Drake

Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.

Josh

Really, you're not a smart boy.

Drake

Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!

Josh

I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.

Drake

I don't even know what accent to talk with.

Josh

Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.

Helen

Can I help you gentlemen find something?

Josh

[Irish accent] Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata!

Helen

Potato?

Drake

[Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.

Josh

Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!

Drake

Pip pip da doodly-doo!

Helen

Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that.

Josh

Drake! Drake! Wait until you hear this! [crashes into door and then recovers, walking in] You are not gonna believe this! Whoa, man! You are not gonna believe this!

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer died?!

Josh

No! Corey has a girlfriend!

Drake

Yeah, I know. He's with Megan. That's why we gave him our pants.

Josh

Another girlfriend.

Drake

What?!

Josh

You heard my words! That Corey's a little two-timing, girl-kissing, Japanese candy-giving jerk!

Drake

What is so special about Japanese candy?

Josh

Oh, it's a big deal. Now what are we gonna do about this?

Drake

We're gonna tell Megan. That's what we're gonna do.

Josh

No!

Drake

Yes!

Josh

We can't go to Megan with this.

Drake

We could if you'd let go of my shirt!

Josh

Look, if we tell Megan, she's gonna think we're making it up. She's gonna think we're lying just to keep her from dating Corey.

Drake

Oh, man. You're probably right. So what are we gonna do?

That's them, those 2 men from Ireland!

Helen

Stop the film!

Crazy Steve

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?!

These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend!

Drake

Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend!

Josh

She's just a wee-er!

Drake

Wee!

Megan

Wait a minute... [rips off their fake beards] What are you boobs doing here?!

Who are they?

Megan

My idiot brothers.