[Drake and Trevor are both sitting inside the dune buggy]
Drake[Trevor sits on top of him] Trevor?
Drake
Maybe you wanna sit in the passenger seat.
TTrevor
I dunno, you got a comfy lap.
Drake
Move!
TTrevor
[gets off Drake] Hey, the motor sounds great.
Drake
Yeah, You know where it would sound even better?
Drake
On the road!
Drake
Ok, but you can't tell Josh and my parents we took it out cause they'll freak.
TTrevor
I won't say a word. Now, let's hit it.
[they drive out of the garage and scream]
Drake
Squirrel! Tree! [crashes and ends up getting injured]
Drake
Why did you make him attack me?
'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
Drake
What's that supposed to-
[angrily] You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, AND YOU WRECKED IT!!!!
Drake
What-what-what're you talking about?
I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there.
Drake
[looks awkwardly] Oh.
Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
Drake
Do mom and dad know?
Drake
Don't you do that to me.
Drake
Are you crazy?
Drake
What?
I'm grounded for 2 weeks.
Drake
Josh, you know what-?
We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it. And you're hurt! But all you can think about is, getting away with it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. [beat] It's what you're best at.
Drake
Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.
Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?
Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.
Um... yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...
Drake
[comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.
[scoldingly to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!
Drake
It-it wasn't the wrestling. It was a car accident.
[concerned] Car accident?
[to Megan, eagerly] He's gonna get it now.
Drake
Actually, it was a... a dune buggy accident.
Drake
Well, the doctor sai...
[interrupting] Wait-wait-wait! What doctor?
Drake
I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.
[more eager than before] Here it comes.
[pitifully] My poor baby!
Just look at you. You can barely stand. [she grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]
Drake
[wincing] Ah! Ah! Ah! Easy! Easy! Ah! Easy! Everything hurts. You guys, I'm-I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.
[to Megan] NOW he's gonna get it.
[rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?
You still made your father wrestle him?
When you knew Drake was hurt?
Drake
Guys, guys. Go easy on him. He's a good kid. And about the TV getting broken, that was really kinda my fault. And I talked Josh into lying about it.
We'll discuss this later.
What else did the doctor say?
Drake
That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.
Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.
[satisfied] FINALLY! [sings] Oh yeah! You're grounded. You're grounded. What are you doin' tomorrow? You're grounded.
[at the end, Drake ends up being grounded for 2 weeks, much to Josh's delight]
Drake
Thanks. [he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?
The great Drake, grounded for 2 weeks. I love it!
Drake
Yeah, me, too.
Drake
2 weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
Drake
Hold that thought. [through his walkie-talkie] Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
[through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
[realizes Drake can still get lucky even when grounded] Aw, come on!
I'm sure it was unintentional.
SSusan
Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
Drake
Susan?
SSusan
Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
Drake, it's not what you think. Just 1 second. [turns around] Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.
[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
Drake
Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [he unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
[shouting] I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
Drake
Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
It's not a dork machine. It's a one of a kind scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
Drake
So?
So, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [he launches the Catapult]
Drake
Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
Drake
It was my room first.
Alright, let's compromise. We could- [Drake strums his guitar a first time] I was going to say- [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted- [Drake strums a third time] Headaches!
[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Josh hanging from the gutter]
Drake
So, just hanging there?
Drake
Uh, yeah, my gig got cancelled. Can you tell me what you're doing up there?
It's a long, sad story. Could you put the ladder back up?
Drake
Okay. [starts to get the ladder] Hey, where's the baby?
Um, possibly... on the roof.
Drake
You put the baby on the roof?!
No. It's conceivable though that he was flung there, via catapult. Oh, Drake, I ruined everything. The baby's missing, the house is destroyed, and my dad's gonna get fired.
Drake
Hey, where's Megan?
I don't know. I haven't-I haven't seen her since the baby disappeared.
Drake
Uh-huh. I think I might know where the baby is. [leaves to go get help from Megan]
Okay, I'm coming down. [the ladder falls down again] Aw, come on!
[Drake comes into the garage and finds Megan looking through a storage box of toys]
Drake
Alright. Where is he?
I think he's dangling from the gutter.
Drake
Not Josh. The baby.
What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Drake
Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
[laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
Drake
[picks Megan up by her shirt] Where is the baby?
SScotty
Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
RRina
This is not backstage!
PPaul
This is practically jail.
Drake
Those guys are cops.
RRina
Yes. Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty.
SScotty
Guys, the tickets are not fake.
Drake
Are you sure?
SScotty
I photocopied them myself. [everyone looks upset] What?
Drake
You can't photocopy tickets.
SScotty
Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
Drake
No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!
[Megan comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]
Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO?
Drake
Oh, yeah. This is for you. [gives her an umbrella]
Hi. [notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated] Drake! Josh!
[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]
Drake
Hey!
[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's game]
[gasps] What up with THAT?
One thing! I asked you guys to do one thing for me! Look at Megan! [the boys look at Megan]
She's wet. [Audrey groans in annoyance]
Everyone can see I'm wet, you boob.
You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!
Drake
Josh...!
...Or to sit around, swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
I keep telling you they're bad people!
Well, you have anything to say for yourselves?
Drake
Well, mmm... you see, I view this whole incident as a learning experience.
Ugh! Upstairs! Both of you, you're grounded tonight.
Drake
But it's Saturday night!
I'm supposed to meet Brian Horowitz at the magic palace!
Go apologize to your sister, and then, both of you, upstairs!
DJDrake and Josh
[sigh; walk to Megan] Sorry. [Megan shakes her wet head all over them]
[Drake and Josh are in their room when they both got grounded by their mom]
Drake
You do realize this is your fault.
No, I do not realize that!
Drake
You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
Drake
Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games.
I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!
Drake
Well, how sad.
Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
Drake
[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh] “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!”
[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake] “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]
Drake
Which you're allergic to. [Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs] Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes.
Drake
[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head] Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
Drake
Oh, really? [sniffs] You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
No, I smell [sniffs] you losing a bet!
Drake
Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
Okay, what happens when you lose?!
Drake
When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
Drake
So we're starting right now?
Yeah, we're starting right now! [they tried to start but they changed their minds] Or we could start in the morning.
Drake
Morning works.
[Dr. Glazer is looking at Drake's rash]
GDr. Glazer
Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.
Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?
GDr. Glazer
Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]
Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.
GDr. Glazer
Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]
Drake
Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?
GDr. Glazer
Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and leaves the house]
Drake
I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?
Well, you heard the doctor.
YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!
[walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.
[takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!
[opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!
Drake
No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.
Never underestimate Grammy!
Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]
Drake
Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.
Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]
Drake
No!
You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!
Drake
Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!
Drake
[holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...
[whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!
Drake
And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]
Oh! [they repeat this process]
This is the greatest day of my life.
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
