Drake Parker quotes from Drake & Josh

Josh

Hey, hey. He's awake.

Drake

You're awake!

Vince

[wakes up] Oh, what happened? How long I been out?

Drake

About 10 minutes.

Vince

Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. [holds his head] Oh, what'd I hit my head on?

Josh

This fire extinguisher.

Vince

Oh.

Josh

See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- [accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher; Vince screams as he falls out of the plane]

Drake

[angrily] Do you know what you just did?!

Josh

[worried] I extinguished our pilot?

Drake

[angrily] No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

Josh

What are we gonna do?

Drake

I'm gonna fly this helicopter, you've seen me play Helicopter Rescue.

Josh

What? That's a video game.

Drake

So? If I could land a military helicopter on the Empire State Building, rescue the princess while a giant lobster shoots rockets at me, I think I can land this thing on a freeway, alright?

Josh

I won't argue with that logic!

[over radio] Control Tower to Chopper 9065, Control Tower to Chopper 9065.

Drake

9065, that's us!

Josh

Yes, yes! Grab the mike, grab the mic.

Drake

[grabs hold of the mike] Uh, hello, hello, Control Tower, this is Chopper 9065. Help, help! Can you hear me?

[over radio] Yeah, yeah. Loud and clear.

Drake

Look, we're 7,000 feet, we got no pilot, and I don't know how to land this thing!

[over radio] Alright, alright, alright. Tell me where you are.

Drake

In a helicopter!

[over radio] I realize that, I need to get a bearing on your location.

Josh

Look down, look down.

Drake

Okay, okay, I see, uh... Uh, uh, a church, and the ocean to my left, uh... [the radio snaps off and the mike flies out of his hand] I see-- A RADIO :PLUMMETING TO EARTH?!

Josh

I'll call Mom and Dad.

Drake

No!

Josh

Why not?!

Drake

Well, because if they know I'm up in this helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded.

Josh

Okay, if we don't get help, we're gonna become PART of the ground!!

Drake

Well, can't you call the fire department?

Josh

Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking they don't have a 7,000-foot LADDER!

Drake

It's the fuel gauge! We're on E.

Josh

Well, maybe E means extra fuel! TELL ME E MEANS EXTRA FUEL!

Drake

E means empty, dude; we're out of fuel!

Josh

AUUGGGHHH! [gets in praying position] Dear Savior, I am sorry about the time I was 5 years old and stole that piece of bubblegum. I am sorry about the time I watched that pretty lady's laundry spin in the dryer at the laundromat. I'm sorry--

Drake

Will you stop that? We're gonna get out of this!

Josh

HEY NOW, HEY NOW! DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER!!!

Drake

Would you STOP IT?!

Josh

What are you looking for?

Drake

Uh! Hey! Parachute!

Josh

Oh, a parachute. But, there's only one.

Drake

Okay. I'll take it and bring back help.

Josh

What? What kind of help are you gonna bring back, a dive team to locate my corpse? Okay, we'll jump together.

Drake

What?

Josh

[putting the parachute on] Yeah, okay? I'll put this on, you hold onto me, and we jump, alright?

Drake

Uh... [looks down 7,000 feet to the ocean]

Josh

Drake, you ready?

Drake

Uh, no, no. I'm not jumping with you, Josh.

Josh

Yeah, you are.

Drake

No, I'm not.

Josh

Why not?

Drake

Look, just jump, okay? Go.

Josh

What's wrong with you?

Drake

I'm-- I'm afraid, alright?

Josh

You were just about to jump out by yourself.

Drake

I know, but then I looked down, saw how high we are, peed a little bit, and I ain't jumping, Josh!

Josh

You're going, alright?

Drake

No, I'm not. Look, look, we're on E, okay? Just jump out!

Josh

Oh, I'm going, and you're coming with me! [hooks the parachute to one of Drake's straps, they scream and jump out of the helicopter all the way down the ocean as Josh pulls the cord of the parachute and it opens up] It opened! Ha-ha!

Drake

You're touching my butt.

Josh

Oh, sorry.

Megan

[while playing with dominos at home] Great present, Walter. [Drake and Josh come home and confront her] What?

Josh

You hung up on us.

Drake

When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel.

Megan

What's your point?

Josh

We had to jump out.

Drake

With one parachute.

Josh

We barely made it.

Drake

We had to swim 2 miles,

Josh

Until we were rescued by a tuna boat.

Megan

Did you bring me some tuna?

Josh

Come over here! [Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home] Come here!

Megan

Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice.

Audrey

Hi, baby.

Walter

Hey, Megan. So how was the water park?

Drake

Oh, you know, fun, wet.

Josh

I had a churro.

Drake

I'll get it!

Josh

I call knob!

Vince

You blasted me out of my own helicopter.

Wha-- Shh!

Drake

Not in front of our parents.

Audrey

Who is it?

Uh--

Drake

Some, crazy, guy.

Walter

[to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?

Vince

Are you their father?

Walter

Yes. [Vince angrily gives him a bill] What's this?

Vince

[angrily] A BILL. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.

Walter

What? [looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter] $400,000?!

Drake

[as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.

Josh

But Dad--

Drake

[as Walter] Grounded, 2 weeks.

Josh

But it wasn't our fault!

Drake

[as Walter] Upstairs.

Josh

[defeated] Yes, sir.

Drake

Night.

Josh

Night.

Eric

So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.

Drake

Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

[last lines, shocked] Who is she?