Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply.
S2You'll Never Get Away From me
Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?
Hmm. Just a hunch.
Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?
Guys!
"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.
That is so not true!
Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.
She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.
No, she wouldn't.
Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?
Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you.
Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie.
Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.
Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it.
S2My Heart Belongs To Daddy
And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?
Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal.
I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies.
Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive.
I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?
Uh, Susan?
Yeah?
Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore.
I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time.
You and I need to get laid! (everyone in the visiting room looks at her, astonished) Oh, don't judge me. You're not here because you got caught helping the poor.
I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late.
I'm sorry, but I already have plans.
Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?
Yeah, so?
Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?
Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?
Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.
Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere.
Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help.
Like who?
I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?
Lynette?
I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay? (Tom's face becoming dark)
(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world.
Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this.
You really think so? Really?
I promise.
S2They Asked Me Why I Believed In You
Is that the baby's head?
No, that's his foot.
That looks like a head to me.
Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks.
Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body.
About time.
You must be so relieved.
You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?
Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies.
Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free Friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial.
The what?
Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.
We would love to come.
Absolutely.
(Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)
I'm busy. Sorry.
Edie!
She's going to read a poem!
(Susan kicks Edie under the table)
Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.
CCounselor
This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?
Shaky, at best.
CCounselor
And why is that?
I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all.
CCounselor
Carlos?
I just didn't like him.
Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful.
Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing.
Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?
Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me.
(Bob, who was also there having a group session, gasps)
Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp.
LLisa
Don't you talk that way to him!
One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself.
CCounselor
Okay, calm down.
Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model.
I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care.
CCounselor
So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?
(interrupting) By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!
Do you know?
No!
MSMona's Husband
I bet he's hot.
(everyone stops what they were doing)
MMona
Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?
My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.
What?
Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!
Are you sure?
Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand and I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?
Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?
(exploding) I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.
S2That's Good, That's Bad
Mary Alice (voiceover): Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can exist side-by-side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything.
S2Silly People
FFerrara
So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Uh, huh, yeah.
EFEd Ferrara
I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
EFEd Ferrara
What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
EFEd Ferrara
You were Greek?
Alpha Tau Omega.
EFEd Ferrara
I was Phi Kap.
You?
EFEd Ferrara
And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
EFEd Ferrara
Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.