TV show quotes
I can't believe you had an affair.
Well, you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that.
We're not very nice people, are we?
No.
When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.
Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich.
Thank God for that.
(Susan, Lynette, & Gabrielle are wondering why Bree is acting so calm about Rex's death)
I can't afford to break down right now.
Why?
(Rex's mother, Phyllis, comes around in a taxi sobbing)
You're about to find out.
(Phyllis has been rude to Bree)
You are no longer invited to the funeral.
What?!?
I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and they will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter.
Bree, this is your grief talking.
Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away from your church.
Bree!
I'm not kidding. I will get non-denominational so fast it will make your head spin.
Mom, Grandma's leaving.
I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral.
Why?
If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me.
Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.
(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!
(to Danielle) Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there.
(to Rex's corpse)You look magnificent.
Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely.
Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money.
Why are all rich men jerks?
Same reason all beautiful women are bitches.
(pause)
So, same time tomorrow?
Sure, baby.
What do you mean, you know?
I mean, I know.
What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?
Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now.
What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing.
Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?
Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it.
Are you done?"
No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off.
Wrong again.
What?
He asked her out.
You lie.
It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party.
The one at the piano bar?
Yeah. What is it?
Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you.
Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?
Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing.
(heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money.
What choice do I have?
You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sakes.
Yeah. It was for golf!
I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him.
But...
But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?
My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job.
Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me.
(Carlos laughs at her)
No, he really did. Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down...
And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset.
Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply.
Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?
Hmm. Just a hunch.
Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?
Guys!
"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.
That is so not true!
Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.
She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.
No, she wouldn't.
Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?
Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you.
Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie.
Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.
Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
