SMSusan Mayer
When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
S4The Game
Dead?
(who is high) I'm a ninja!
S4Art Isn’t Easy
The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane to become art critics.
As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive. But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have was quickly washed away.
"It's the same for all of us. We try not to get too close to the people who live next door. It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong. It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved. True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with, and end up lifelong friends. But mostly, we keep our distance. Because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us than know too much."
(to Bree) A baby is God’s most precious gift. I will not have mine raised by a cold emotionally unavailable woman like you.
Bree (to Orson, hinting at her former mother-in-law Phyllis) Emotionally unavailable. Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase.
(to Bree) You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you’re not gonna emasculate me.
You don’t even know what that means, you petulant sockpuppet.
S4Now I Know, Don't Be Scared
"Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"
"Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."
"You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"
"Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."
"A what?"
"Ambulance."
"How many rum punches did you have?"
"There was punch in that rum?"
MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.
Great! Grab this. (hands him a sack of rodent poison)
What's this stuff for?
You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
(Happily Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!
Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.
(concerned) You're not gonna hurt him are you?
Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden centre said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.
So you're gonna kill him?
Sweetie, let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?
Scruffles!
Ok, we're done talkin' here. (she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset)
Ok, now you're scaring me.
Why?
Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.
This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!
OK. You do what you need to do.
Thank you.
S4Something's Coming
"Can I say something?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."
"Why are you talking like that?"
"Well, I thought just in case we..."
"Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."
"Do you really hate me?"
"Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."
(Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly)
"Well, I'm still sorry, though."
Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up."
"Do you mind if I say something?"
VVictor
"Please."
"Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."
VVictor
"Are you done?"
"Yeah."
S4Welcome to Kanagawa
MMilton
You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing.
OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.
MMilton
Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.
Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!
MMilton
I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances.
Go to hell.
MMilton
I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.
What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room.
AAdam
I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you.
Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me.
AAdam
I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win.
"Damn it, Karen, I'm running out of Ida!
S4Sunday
Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.