Edie (to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."
S3Dress Big
Mary Alice (voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."
S3Liaisons
"That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."
"That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."
"Ok...My fault for asking."
"Surely you can control five little kids."
"Can I beat them?"
"No."
"Then my hands are tied."
"You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
"Then what was all that moaning?"
"I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"
"Oh, come on!"
"You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."
"I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."
"Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."
"Are you challenging me to a rematch?"
S3Getting Married Today
[Susan and Mike are about to get married]
MMinister
Are we ready?
JMJulie Mayer
Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years!
SWStella Wingfield
[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
SWStella Wingfield
[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
SWStella Wingfield
Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book].
SWStella Wingfield
And for you and you.
[hands the twins books].
These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
SWStella Wingfield
Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
We're eight.
SWStella Wingfield
What do I care?
Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you'].
SWStella Wingfield
[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
SWStella Wingfield
[to Lynette] Oh, is that Tom's little B-a-s-t-a...
OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.
S4Now You Know
MAMary Alice's Opening Narration
The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die. But someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait for her beloved to come home. You see, to hold on to her man Edie knew she had to find the perfect moment to let go. Sadly for Edie her timing was fatally flawed. And this is now Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie. Of course had he known what she was about to do to his life he would have let her hang there.
MAMary Alice's Narration Closing
There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after kids have left for school. And husbands have headed off for work. It’s a time when women think of the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth were discovered. And how they would do everything in their power to keep that from happening. But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep. What do they think about every morning? These women think of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping.
Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!
S4Smiles of a Summer Night
"The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbecues upended, their clean laundry trampled, and their skateboards missing. Naturally, everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage? The answer lay in the home of a neighbor, who, 20 minutes earlier, had been engaging in an altogether different type of crime."
"You will never see despair here or rage. You will never see the tiniest bit of regret. You see, the people who live here have learned there is one sure way of hiding their secrets from their neighbors. That's why, in the suburbs, there is nothing more decaptive than a smile."
"Bree Hodge persisted in her effort to unlock the secret of Katherine Mayfair's lemon meringue. But after several failed attempts, it occured to Bree that while she might not have the key to Katherine's recipe, she did have the key to Katherine's house."
"There is nothing more decaptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine. It's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon be over."
S4The Game
DDylan
(fighting with Katherine) I'm starting to think you are the monster! (Katherine slaps her)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.