Gabrielle Solis quotes from Desperate Housewives

What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal.

Gabrielle

Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second.

What happened?

Gabrielle

David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but if you ask me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up.

We've got 40 minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed.

Gabrielle

What?!

You want to get your husband out of jail? Got to dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue.

You're not willing to get a divorce but you're willing to have an affair?

Gabrielle

I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.

Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.

Gabrielle

Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.

You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.

Carlos

Really?

Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.

Carlos

Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Carlos

That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.

Gabrielle

Why?

Gabrielle

What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.

Carlos

It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.

Gabrielle

No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.

Carlos

We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.

Gabrielle

Well, that's different.

Carlos

Why?

Gabrielle

Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

[Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Gabrielle

[as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.

Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]

Gabrielle

[Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, sweetheart.

Really? Are you sure?

Gabrielle

I should know. I was on the front cover.

[Stunned] No. Way.

Gabrielle

Uh, way.

Poor thing, she tries so hard.

Gabrielle

Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her.

How will I tell her family?

Gabrielle

We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic.

Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and—

Gabrielle

Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there!

Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it?

Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in.

Gabrielle

I have no idea where you're going with this.

Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim.

Gabrielle

Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?

Oh, I think you know.

Susan

What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?

Lynette

Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"

Gabrielle

I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?

Bree

They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence.

Susan

Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?

Gabrielle

Well, she's your best friend. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand.

What if she doesn't?

Gabrielle

Well, friends come and go, but a crown is forever.

Carlos

Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly?

Gabrielle

Nothing. Just having you helps.

Carlos

Now that's very sweet.

Gabrielle

Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape.

Gabrielle

Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes.

Susan

You are gonna make a really good mother someday.

You said I could kiss you!

Gabrielle Solis

Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Gabrielle

I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot.

Will you marry me?

Gabrielle

They're just toaster waffles.

Carlos Solis

[after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid!

Gabrielle Solis

Where are you going?

Carlos Solis

To warn the Scavo boys!

Gabrielle

"Can I say something?"

Edie

"What?"

Gabrielle

"I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."

Edie

"Why are you talking like that?"

Gabrielle

"Well, I thought just in case we..."

Edie

"Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."

Gabrielle

"Do you really hate me?"

Edie

"Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."

Gabrielle

"Well, I'm still sorry, though."