Gabrielle Solis quotes from Desperate Housewives

You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing.

Gabrielle

OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.

Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.

Gabrielle

Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!

I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances.

Gabrielle

Go to hell.

I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.

Carlos Solis

It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond.

Gabrielle Solis

Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off.

Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.

Gabrielle

Yeah, come on in.

Carlos

[to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

Gabrielle

[to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

Lynette

How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?

Susan

I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.

Bree

Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.

Susan

I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.

Bree

Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.

Gabrielle

Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?

Lynette

I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

Gabrielle

So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

Gabrielle Solis

Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age?

Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Gabrielle Solis

Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down.

Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.

Gabrielle Solis

Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.

Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Gabrielle Solis

[to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot.

Andrew Van De Kamp

Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar.

Gabrielle Solis

What jar?

Andrew Van De Kamp

It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible.

Gabrielle Solis

I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!

Gabrielle Solis

[to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you?

I brought booze.

Gabrielle Solis

Come on in.

Carlos Solis

Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?

Gabrielle Solis

First time you saw me on the runway.

Carlos Solis

Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.

Gabrielle Solis

Mmm. I remember that place.

Carlos Solis

Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.

Gabrielle Solis

You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?

Carlos Solis

No. When?

Gabrielle Solis

About two seconds ago.

Gabrielle Solis

Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

Gabrielle

I'd say avoid math and science. They cause serious frown lines. Young girls today need to know the dangers of long division.

Susan

She used to be married to a Yankee, okay? We're screwed.

Gabrielle

You cheated on Rex?!?!?!?!

Bree

Of course not!!!! What do you take me for?!?! I cheated on Orson!!!!