A present for Protestants. Ah, now my next Protestant gift delivery isn’t due to arrive until Wednesday. And as it stands, I’m completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.
ClareHow much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?
How about we give you the £1.76 and we pay the rest off in installments?
Clare
Yeah. Which would be what? £3.56 over four weeks?
Jesus, check out Rain Wean.
Or, you could give us the Subbuteo, and then we could work off the debt.
Clare
Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.
Chores? What do you think this is? Little House on the fucking Prairie?
Do you watch Little House on the Prairie, Dennis?
Ms. De Brún is amazing. I’ve just never met anyone like her.
Clare
Absolutely.
She really knows how to grab things by the balls.
Clare
Oh, yeah!
She’s changed my life, she really has.
I think I would too, you know.
Clare
Yeah. I mean, obviously I totally agree. I’d die for her as well, but I’m also conscious of the fact we’ve only know her, like, two days.
Clare
Well, is it a bit weird she’s invited us to her house at night?
Clare
Well, she’s a teacher.
She’s much more than a teacher.
Clare
Yeah. No, obviously I get that. She’s great, but it’s just that I have a feeling it might be sort of frowned upon.
God, Clare, you’re so conditioned.
Clare
What’s that supposed to mean?
It means you need to loosen the fuck up.
Clare
I am loose, thank you very much.
Face it, Clare, you’re a craic killer.
Clare
I’m not a craic killer. I AM NOT A CRAIC KILLER!
Well, well, well. What are you guys up to?
Clare
We were just hanging out at Ms. De Brún’s house.
You were at her house? At night? Well, that’s a bit inappropriate.
Clare
Your ma is a bit inappropriate.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Clare
Your ma doesn’t even make sense.
Clare
Your ma’s drunk.
Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Clare
Oh, brilliant!
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
Aye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
Clare
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
But there’s five of us so…
Clare
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
We need a better plan, Michelle.
We cannot walk to Belfast.
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
Clare
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
Michelle, you cannot say that.
They’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
Clare
Yes, yes it is.
They’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
Clare
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
No, it’s not. They are different.
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
Can everybody stop being so racist, please?
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
Clare
Very much so.
Have you actually met them, Rita, Take That?
RRita
No, I can’t stand them, if I’m being honest, but their fans are so thick they’ll buy any old shite, present company included.
I think you mean “excluded.”
RRita
Pop music isn’t really my thing, truth be told. It’s all so fucking soulless. Nah. I’m a classical head, all the way, but I’ve been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan, and when I say I battered, I mean intellectually like. I did kick the shit out of him as well. Pavo’s “La Boheme” is very muscular, but for purity of tone, you simply cannot fault Bocelli! I mean, listen to that, girls. Pass the can there.
The can of… oh, beer. I see.
RRita
(taking a sip of a beer) Oh, that’s fucking beautiful.
While driving. Okay. Fine. Good.
RRita
Mmm. What a fucking instrument. Glorious!
Any idea what the speed limit is around here?
Clare
Robie?
RRita
Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up.
Sure, of course, but maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road.
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Clare
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
Clare
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
Clare
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
We have to get them back.
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
Okay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
Exactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Clare
Are you sure this will work?
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Clare
Okay, I’m going to flush.
Clare
Is the water rising?
Jesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
I’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
Clare
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
Clare
Precisely.
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Clare
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
Clare
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
We could keep her in my toy box.
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
Clare
Course!
Clare
(greets Mae in Chinese)
MCMae Cheung
Is she all right?
Clare
I-It’s Cantonese.
MCMae Cheung
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
Clare
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
MCMae Cheung
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
MCMae Cheung
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
MCMae Cheung
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
MCMae Cheung
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
Clare
Me.
MCMae Cheung
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
Clare
What do you mean?
MCMae Cheung
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Clare
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
MCMae Cheung
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Clare
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Clare
Back. Off.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
I see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
Well, this prom is going to be a full-blown dick-fest. You know, there isn’t even gonna be a DJ. Apparently, Jenny’s hired this fucking pensioner band.
I heard the drummer is at least 30.
I don’t feel so bad about missing it now. It clashes with my thing.
The creep convention? Seriously?
It’s not a creep convention.
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella who fights with Hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
It's a Doctor Who night. Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Well, someone should have called social services then, James.
Clare
You’re not going to the prom then, James. Well, I was gonna ask you to be my date.
You were gonna ask James to be your date? What the fuck’s wrong with you?
Clare
Well, it’s a bit more complicated for me.
You’re a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
Right. I say we hit Primark first.
Yeah, well, we have about £17.50 between us, Mae, so, needs must.
It’s grand. I swiped my ma’s credit card. (She shows them her ma’s credit card)
Is that grand, or is that actually a criminal offense?
Look, we’ll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don’t take the labels off, wear them to prom, then return them the next day. The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
Clare
No way, Jose.
It’s totally grand, Clare. I do it all the time. You just have to make sure that you don’t, like, spill anything on it, or, like, sweat.
Clare
Any word from Chelsea?
Not yet. And we sent that letter over a week ago.
Clare
Are you sure you got the address right?
Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.
Clare
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Did you send it first class?
We’re not made of money, Michelle.
Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Clare
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
Chelsea will sort us out.
Clare
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
She does have crafty eyes.
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
