Look, Bill doesn’t even get here till four o’clock tomorrow.
Michelle“Bill?” Who are you? His Ma?
We’ve got plenty of time, is all I’m saying.
Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square is gonna be, James? You’d have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.
Chelsea will sort us out.
Ach, I’m not even sure I trust Chelsea anymore.
Michelle
Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.
She does have crafty eyes.
Okay, I’m not comfortable with the Chelsea-bashing, girls.
Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?
Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.
You think I’m here to answer questions, do you? Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?
He doesn’t answer questions, he asks them.
It’s just, it’s pink, white and purple, Dennis.
Well, it should be red, white and blue.
Michelle
The rest of the world.
There’s also quite a few stars missing.
There’s only 30 stars here. I mean, there should be 50, just because the stars represent states, so…
Some states left America?
Michelle
When did this happen?
I don’t know, I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.
Ah, they didn’t want to make it into a big thing. So these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags. They’ve just brought them out.
Okay. It’s just, well, I’m not convinced that’s actually true.
Michelle
Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you’re trying to get rid of them.
(exiting the shop) What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?
Anyway, it’s not like I belong here. I never did.
Michelle
That’s not true. You’re a Derry girl now, James.
Michelle
I’m serious. It doesn’t matter that you’ve got that stupid accent, or that your bits are different to my bits, well, because being a Derry girl, well, it’s a fucking state of mind. And you’re one of us.
They told us we were young, yet we understood the enormity of it. We understood what was at stake. Our fear was replaced with something altogether more terrifying… hope. Hope is so much worse. With hope you something to lose…
Michelle
Oh, for fuck’s sake! What’s happened now?
Your TV is such a piece of crap.
No, it’s not. Your camera’s the problem.
My camera’s top of the range!
Michelle
It’s true. His ma only sends him really expensive shit, you know, to make up for the fact that she doesn’t love him.
Michelle
Oh, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant… Nope, can’t think of any other way to put that.
That actor there looks so familiar.
We’re gonna have to reshoot this footage.
Michelle
No chance!
Oh, come on, Michelle! These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won as Oscar!
Michelle
Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we’ve spent the summer making something that’s really quite shite.
It’s not shit, Michelle! Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Do not start on the script again! The script is a masterpiece!
Michelle
The script is boring, Erin. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s it even about?
Michelle
Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It’s all anyone ever bangs on about. Okay, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for “You’ve Been Framed.”
Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
Michelle
It’s £250 a pop, people!
How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?
It’s tomorrow, girls. Tomorrow! Christ, I feel sick.
Why? You’re gonna walk it, Clare.
I know that! I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you four. If you fail your GCSEs the school won’t take you back. I don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I’ll have enough on my plate with the A-levels! I’m just praying you lot will scrape by!
Now, that is very considerate of you, Clare.
“Try to enjoy what time we have left.” It doesn’t even make any sense.
It means we’ve failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
Michelle
“Ergo” wise up, Clare.
I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off of me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
I wouldn’t say our lives are over.
Passing those exams was our only chance. We’re girls, we’re poor, we’re from Northern Ireland and we’re Catholic, for Christ’s sake!
Oh, my God, she’s right! What type of future will we have?
Michelle
We don’t need to worry about the future, Erin. If we fail, well, our mas are gonna fucking wipe us out, and dead people don’t need jobs.
Oh, thank you, Michelle. that’s very reassuring!
How bad do you think is it? Do you think it’s, like, grounded bad, or…?
Michelle
Run-away-from-home bad.
And if it is run-away-from-home-bad, I’m afraid I will need my snorkel back, James.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Let’s just wait until tomorrow, and see what we’re dealing with.
Michelle
Or…we can see what we’re dealing with tonight.
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
Michelle
That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing. This could be life-changing. You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on the big screen and then, boom.
Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson.
Michelle
Okay, James, it’s hard for you to see it because we’re related, but I’m a ride. I am a massive fucking ride.
Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you?
Michelle
We might be.
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
Michelle
I think the best thing we could do is just to get the routine on its feet.
Michelle
I know we’re gonna smash this, girls. We are gonna lift that trophy. We are gonna perform live on the motherfucking BBC and we’re gonna wipe that smile off Jenny Joyce’s stupid face.
Michelle
Hit it!
Michelle
How many times do I have to fucking explain it? It is two steps forward, two steps back. It couldn’t be any fucking simpler. What the fuck is wrong with you all?!
You’re the one that’s out of time!
Michelle
Say that again, James, and I will floor you. I will lay you out.
T think the first bit is pretty good.
Michelle
The first bit’s shite, Erin. You look like you’re being electrocuted, and what the fuck do you think you’re doing, Clare, the Haka? (groans)
Michelle
Fuck!
It’s not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle.
Michelle
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
Look, I think we all just need to calm down.
EMErin and Michelle
Piss off, James!
Okay, that, is it? I’m going solo.
Michelle
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Michelle
Fanny. Big fanny? Fanny pain.
The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma! The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma, and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back.
We’re gonna need more details, Clare.
I saw them together in the hall. He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things.
My ma? He was coming onto my ma? What is he, some sort of reverse pedophile?
Michelle
I bet Mary told him where to go.
Please welcome to the stage, Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.
The act you’re going to perform for us tonight, well, they’re absolutely huge.
Michelle
That’s right, Peter.
Michelle
Matthew! Shit! I got it right in rehearsals, I just…
Michelle
No, I fucked it.
Okay. Give us some clues, girls.
Well, Peter… They are English, but we still like them.
They’re also probably better known by their nicknames.
Which are? And I think this just might give it away now.
Ginger! Baby! Sporty! Scary and Posh!
AAll
Tonight, Matthew, we’re gonna be The Spice Girls!
Michelle
We can turn our jeans into hot pants any day of the week. We’re talking about a free house here, Clare, a free house. We’re gonna be drinking, dancing and riding.
Quick question on the old riding front there.
Michelle
Go on?
Who exactly will we be doing that with?
Michelle
Young hot farmers. Donegal is coming down with them. Big strapping lads ripped to fuck from all the turf collecting.
Oh, don’t worry about me.
Michelle
There’s actually quite a few lesbians as well, Clare.
Michelle
Lesbian farming is actually huge in the Republic. We’ll get you sorted, don’t worry.
What about me? Could we pick me up a girl?
Michelle
Can we pick you up a girl?
(in the van) Yeah, that is so out of order, James.
I didn’t mean… I-I just thought…
Michelle
Well, you thought wrong, James.
Michelle
Get in the van. (exasperate sigh) Dirtbag.
Michelle
Arh! Where the hell are we?
I’ll ask this woman. (to Sheila) Excuse me? Sorry to bother you.
SSheila
(speaking in Irish)
Jesus, is she having a stroke?
She is an Irish speaker, James.
Oh, why can’t everyone just speak English?
Michelle
Well, your crowd had a good stab at forcing the entire world to, but we didn’t really enjoy it much, James. Imperialist prick!
Can anyone ask her where this place is?
Hmm, my Irish isn’t the best. I decided to keep on French and German, because I though it would give me more options if I wanted to, like, study abroad or whatever.
Michelle
We’re not filling in your fucking UCAS from here, Clare.
SSheila
(speaking in Irish)
Michelle
What’s she saying?
SSheila
(speaking panicky in Irish) (speaking warningly in Irish)
Michelle
Just drive, James. Slan!
Broken vase. There was a window open in there. It must have blown off the shelf.
Michelle
We are such fannies.
Yeah. I mean, for a second there I thought it might actually… (screaming)
Stop, stop, stop. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. It’s important we don’t let our imaginations run riot here.
Michelle
What was the face all about?
Michelle
Earlier, when Dennis was talking about Niall you did a face.
Michelle
You did a face Erin. You did a face like this.
I…would never do that face. I couldn’t do that face. That face isn’t even in my repertoire.
Michelle
Oh, it’s in your repertoire alright, I’ve seen you whip it out over a dozen times, usually when you find something hard to believe. What was hard to believe Erin?
It was just when you said that you didn’t want to get your hopes up.
Michelle
Yeah!
You don’t actually think he should get out do you?
Michelle
He’s me brother.
Michelle
I know that Erin.
I’m not sure we should be talking about this.
Isn’t this exactly what we should be talking about? I mean we have to vote on it.
Michelle
It wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did.
I’m sure that poor man’s family takes great comfort in that.
Michelle
These things, they’re not black and white Erin.
Michelle
Nothing about this place is!
Well I think the fact that you shouldn’t kill people is pretty black and white!
Awkward, awkward, awkward, oh God it’s so awkward.
Michelle
Fuck off Erin. And what would you know anyway, you’re nothing but a spoiled, selfish, sheltered wee brat.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
