Daria · Season 1
Did we just see a U.F.O.?
You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.
But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.
Come on. This is Lawndale.
Oh, yeah.
So, there aren't any atomic communists?
I wouldn't say that.
[Points to the Fashion Club, who are all wearing black turtle necks and berets]
Don't say anything.
We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
A private problem.
It's a neck zit!
Stacy!
Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
[Quinn screams and runs off]
Uh-oh.
Did I say the wrong thing?
Don't worry about it.
Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.
All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.
That's the only kind of gesture I make.
[voiceover] Give away the chips.
[Daria places chips on number 13]
Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?
Number 8.
So much for irony.
Daria, take my chips.
Excuse me?
You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
Then you take them, Jane. For being so...
Yes?
...angular.
Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. [chuckles]
Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table.
I bet he has a good poker face.
But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway.
"Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker!
So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. [Daria and Jane fall asleep on Quinn's shoulders] EWW! GEET OFF ME! [pushes them away]
Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.
Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!
I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.
If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not have to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs."
Well, I could make an exception.
Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's exciting.
Oh, yeah. Very exciting.
I know what would make it exciting.
We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals?
How about we add a little music to the mix?
What's so exciting about that?
What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind.
Oh, no.
Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior.
I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak.
Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight.
This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he?
Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Sorry again about you know... everything.
That's okay.
All right then, Daria. [kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves] See you around.
See ya.
Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.
[Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]
Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]
Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?
Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.
[Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]
Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]
Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.
What should we call our company?
"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?
[Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]
No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]
It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?
Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?
[Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]
Yeah? [Helen enters] No, I don't want to talk about it.
Talk about what?
Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about.
I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.
Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.
All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. [starts to leave]
Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?
I don't want to pry. [sees look on Daria's face] Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie.
Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk who can't hold on to a friend?
She didn't say anything like that.
But, do you?
Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are.
Jodie didn't think so.
Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.
I don't blame her.
And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day doesn't make them a bad person.
What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-righteous pronouncements?
People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you.
Alright, Daria, name your price.
Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...
$30.
$50.
Done.
Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.
I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]
[resigned voice] $50 should do it.
King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!
That's liver, Dad.
Eww...
I think this could really be it!
What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.
I don't know, Daria. This is bad.
Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.
Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. [pause]
I feel like we should say more.
I know. That was kind of pathetic.
Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.
I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. [pause] Better?
I've made my peace.
Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!
What does that mean?
I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?
Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?
You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.
[Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?
It's a work in progress.
[Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.
Lovely.
I wonder why it isn't blossoming.
Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?
Oh!
Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.
[Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students]
I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.
I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.
[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.
[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!
[Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other]
All right!
Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?
Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
Thanks!
Kevin?
I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?
That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!
Go, team, go!
Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!
[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...
[Kevin and the other football players cheer on except for Mack]
Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!
But who does he really suspect?
That Jimmy guy?
Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
But I don't know anything.
Can't accuse him of lying there.
I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?
Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!
[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?
The New Orleans Saints?
Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!
Teapot... the New England Patriots!
How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.
[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!
Um, hanging out with the team?
[football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings]
Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?
[Daria and Jane open Daria's locker]
I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.
Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. [Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker and Ms. Li, Jake, and Helen appear in police uniforms, standing behind her] Right on schedule.
Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.
I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
Excellent.
This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.
Okay. Now you gotta help me to pick something to fail at; something really impresive that doesn't required any effort of any kind.
How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?
I said no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks.
Then...how about being conventional: looking and acting like anybody else. It would take you no time to fail at that.
What are you saying? That I'm some kind of freak of nature?
Define of nature.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Daria pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
