[Daria's flashback #1: toddler Daria is seated at a table, baby Quinn in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, attempting to feed Quinn; the table is a mess, and Quinn is crying]
Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now? [Daria throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs]
[flashback #2: a slightly older Daria and Quinn are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly]
BSBaby-sitter
Stop that! Stop that! Oh! [drops cane] It's my heart!
[flashback #3: a preteen Daria and a young Quinn are seated between their teenaged girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation]
CDChild Daria
You know, she stuffs her bra.
CQChild Quinn
Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.
[flashback ends]
[Quinn and Daria are at Dr. Shar's office]
SDr. Shar
[into phone] Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! [hangs up] So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!
SDr. Shar
No! It's the tiniest little thing.
Thank you. Can you fix it?
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. [camera focuses on Quinn] Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?
[Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones]
SDr. Shar
We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.
[image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements"]
SDr. Shar
All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! [beauty mark appears on image] And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. [Quinn's long red hair is replaced with curly blonde hair] [prints out the image]
SDr. Shar
And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?
Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?
SDr. Shar
Alright, funny gal! Your turn.
SDr. Shar
Nothing to be afraid of.
[camera focuses on Daria]
SDr. Shar
Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? [she quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn] It's a start!
Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?
Pledge drive not going well?
People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Upchuck.
Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.
You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! [melodramatic tone] Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Why do I even bother talking to you?
Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...
Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...
Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!
No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?
Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?
What have I said about using that word?
That you'll ground me or something?
Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.
[clock chimes]
See? This will fly by in no time.
You'd never catch me in a job like that.
[thinking] Because it falls under the category of employment.
Hey, man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.
[thinking] Still living over your parent's garage?
[loud whisper] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.
Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.
Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.
'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. [looks at Daria] Well, someone had to pick up the slack!
Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Well, you're not your usual sunny self.
I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
And all in front of Trent.
...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.
Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.
Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? [Daria glares at her] Kidding! It looks alternative.
Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.
Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.
Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?
Jake, were you listening? Daria said--
Tutoring, dental work, Congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]
IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE! (removes his hand to reveal his left eye is red from a burst blood vessel)
Oh no...(whispers to Quinn): get the camera!
No camera, Daria. (to Jake): Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?
Yeah. He said, "That'll be $200."
Lemme get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?
I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.
You know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane Family Reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.
I wouldn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.
They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them closer together.
You know, a weekend is the woods is starting to look good.
A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look good.
Why, Quinn, you look darling!
You look so happy, sweetie!
I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."
[screen shows Quinn's school picture]
I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?
Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?
Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?
[Daria hands over her picture]
Wow! That's sharp focus...
Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?
I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.
Daria, people judge you by your expressions.
Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.
Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]
TTommy
That's the name, don't wear it out.
TTommy
I doubt that, unless the rest of them are pygmies, ha ha.
I'm Kevin Thompson, this is Michael Jordan MacKenzie, we call him Mac
TTommy
Michael Jordan Mackenzie! You're kidding, right.
MMichael
It was Michael James MacKenzie. My dad went a Bulls playoff game when I was 12, and... then he changed it.
TTommy
That's sick man, so what you guys, on the intermural squad, or something?
Varsity dude, I'm the QB.
[Tommy Sherman laughs pompously, then Kevin laughs too, unaware of what is so funny]
TTommy
[annoyed] Why are you laugh?
TTommy
I'm just picturing a scrawny little guy like you, trying to play for some third-rate junior college somewhere, and getting your butt kicked every week.
[in the hallway, Daria and Jane stand in front of their poster]
[sees Jodie walking towards them] Wait.
[walking up] What are you guys doing here?
I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute...what are you guys planning?
You got a bright future kid.
You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.
Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High.
Yes, Ms. Li, how may I help you?
[over the telephone] Mrs. Morgendorfer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter Daria appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.
Mrs. Morgendoffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest.
We found part of the poster unacceptable. So it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunatley someone defaced the poster while it was on display and since your daughter and Miss Lane were objecting to changing it, I must assume that they were the vandals. I'm going to have to take drastic action.
Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster but entered it into the contest anyway?
I was under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.
Yes, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case I made it mandatory.
All right, Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my daughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will, and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property, which you admit to stealing?
[flustered] That's not what I said at all!
Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase "violation of civil liberties"?
And the phrase "big fat lawsuit"?
I mean, just because you dump a guy for his older, cuter brother, does that give him the right to hold a grudge?
You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt, I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers.
Will you quiet down? I think I see something. [leaves]
Hey Quinn, is that your cousin? [Points her finger at Sandi]
[Quinn fires the paintballs at Sandi] Ow!
[Sandi fires paintballs at both Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany]
[All of them fire at each other until they give up where Sandi takes off the helmet and the goggles]
Sandi? What are you doing here?
I was looking for the bathroom and all of a sudden you started shooting at me. I thought we promised not to do that!
I would never fire at you, Sandi. I didn't recognize you with your goggles.
Yeah, why are you wearing them, anyway? They're so ugly.
Because those are the rules.
Well, some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top.
Or black mascara with blond hair.
Besides, you fired on us when you were already hit, and that's against the rules, too.
Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
Don't be silly. I would never try to be president, as long as you were around.
Sure. I mean, do you really think I could replace you?
I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake.
Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role.
Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude. [Ms. Li laughs] Did I say something funny?
With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it.
Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school? Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other.
Ms. Li (offended): I don't have to listen to this!
Ms. Li (as she leaves the tent): And by the way, you look 50! (Helen's face falls in horror)
