Jake[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!
Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.
Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.
Jake
What's the catch?
There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.
Assuming he's on any medication.
This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.
And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!
Jake
Hey, that's great.
Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
Jake
That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Jake
Avenge me!
Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?
Jake
Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.
So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. [Daria and Jane fall asleep on Quinn's shoulders] EWW! GEET OFF ME! [pushes them away]
Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.
Jake
Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!
Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.
[Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]
Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]
Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?
Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.
[Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]
Jake
Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]
Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.
What should we call our company?
"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?
[Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]
No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]
It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?
Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?
[Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]
Alright, Daria, name your price.
Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...
Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.
I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]
[resigned voice] $50 should do it.
Jake
King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!
Jake
Eww...
[Jake's voice from the bathroom]
Jake
Is anybody out there? I am the only on left in the house?
If I help you with the first question, would you try to do the second one on your own?
Jake
Daria! Thank God! Your mother is at a work thing, your sister is at a school thing...I thought I'd be stuck in here forever!
Ok, listen closely: There's a knob on the door. Turn it counterclockwise.
Jake
We're out of toilet paper, kiddo. Can you believe it?
Oh, well I'll grab some from downstairs.
Jake
There isn't any downstairs. That's why I came up here.
I see. Walking away now with too much information.
Jake
Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few rolls?
I get stuck on the hurry part.
Jake
Damn it. How in hell would Helen handle this? How in hell would Helen... hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not.
I can hear you, you know. And she'd offer me a bribe.
Jake
Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bucks.
Jake
Twenty!
You're on. See you in a few minutes. [leaves]
Jake
Hurry, kiddo! This Teenage Superstars magazine is only 64 pages!
You know, honey, you could really turn this change of plans into something very positive.
Jake
You're not getting out of the golf clubs, Helen.
I mean, this trip is a chance to really get to know your daughter as a person. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears.
Jake
Ah, Helen, do I have to?
Jake
But I'm scared.
Jake
Honey, Terry Perry Barlow wants to talk to you. Can you believe it?
There's so much about this day I can't believe.
TTerry
Say, Darlene, would alligator wrestling get you into a restaurant?
Jake
Of course it would!
That depends. Is there a restaurant next door with cock fights?
TTerry
[laughs] Darlene, you're sharp. You remind me of me.
Jake
Yeah! Uh, me too.
TTerry
You two like ballooning?
Jake
Ballooning? Like up in the air?
TTerry
These conferences are dull as dirt. Let's sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin in my balloon. We can be back in time for the keynote address.
Jake
Way up in the air? Sounds great... [nervous laugh] Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, Daria?
More fun than a barrel of alligators.
TTerry
Daria? [shrugs] Okay. Meet me out front at 5:00 A.M. [Terry exits]
I thought you were afraid of heights.
Jake
Oh, uh, that was a long time ago.
[Jake's flashback]
DIDrill Instructor
Well, Morgendorffer, the other cadets are going to turn in. They're all tuckered out from laughing at your cowardice. Guess I'll have to leave you here for the night. By the way, your father called and I told him all about it. He says don't bother coming home for Easter. [drill instructor exits]
If that woman were Judy Garland, this would make sense on a couple of levels.
Jake
Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!
Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine.
Jane And this time, its personal.
[Phone rings]
Jake
You're nothing but a... A DAMN RADIO WITH DOORS!
No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.
But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
[Just as Quinn leaves, the light fixture falls from the ceiling onto the chair; Quinn looks on in shock]
Jake
Dammit, my fixture!
Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!
Jake
I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie?
Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head.
Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel.
Jake
[goes in the kitchen] Of course it's decaf! Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance! [grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and makes himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knock over the milk carton] Damn milk! [grabs paper towel and stretchs over the stove] Grr... [the milk causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt] Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? [he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fire] [sniffing] Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. [screams when he sees the stove on fire] Fire! Fire!
[on phone, sleepily] No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me.
Jake
[offscreen] Fire! Fire!
Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! [very slight pause] No, I don't know when! [very slight pause] No, you can't hold!
Jake
Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?!
[puts glasses on] Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-retardant?
Jake
Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! [grabs Daria and runs out of the room]
[Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone]
Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!
Quinn! Come on! [grabs phone]
But... [gets pushed out of the room]
Sandi? She'll have to call you back. [very slight pause] No, I don't know when!
[cut to outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department]
Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?!
Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective.
Jake
Well, I remember thinking, Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf. Then I was thinking, I need some damn milk...
[cut to the kitchen where the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage]
AAdjustor
Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks.
AAdjustor
Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman Inn would be in budget.
The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?!
Jake
"Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen, I'm a man with my own business. I'll never work for somebody else again! Never, do you hear me?! And shame on you for suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame...
Jake
Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup, superjazzed about expansion, seeks visionary dot-com expert for media leadership position." Where do I sign up?!
Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet.
Jake
[sarcastic] Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!
BBarkman
Thanks, Nora. Now Jake is going to wow us with his new plan for increasing our visibility in the marketplace.
[Nora sits while Jake stands at the head of the table]
Jake
Increasing visibility is a good thing, and it will surely make us more... visible. To do that we should, uh... develop our strategy and strategize our development. Implement solutions and solutionize implementations. Aggressively. [the room is silent] Edgy?
BBarkman
Jake, I hate to say this, but you're just spouting a bunch of buzzwords. You're not paradigm-shifting. You're all sizzle and no steak.
Jake
But I did have steak... and charts and graphs and animated dollar bills that danced around and sang songs. I was almost finished and then... my screen froze. Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap! [starts sobbing]
[Daria's flashback]
Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
Let's hope. [Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria] Hey!
Jake
Dammit! I knew we forgot something.
[Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside]
Come on, Quinn. We're here. [opens door]
I don't want to go to camp! [Helen pulls Quinn from car] I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! [runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana] Look, I have the same backpack.
TTracy
Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.
CCindy
Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?
That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.
[flashback ends]
[Daria's flashback #1, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened]
Jake
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
Jake
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
[Daria's flashback #2, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened]
Jake
[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?
[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.
Jake
[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!
[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!
Jake
[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!
[offscreen] Where are you going?!
[the front door, then another door slams, with little Daria wincing each time and pulling the covers up a little tighter ends flashback sequence]
Daria? Come on, the neighbors are starting to talk.
Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way. [crawls out of the box just as Quinn approaches]
Daria! I remembered! You were right! I remembered I was three or four and it was nighttime and I woke up because Mom and Dad were fighting, and then Dad was yelling and a door slammed and then I heard a car start up and he drove away.
Thank you. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Do you remember what they were fighting about?
Um... yeah... they were fighting about you.
Daria · 137 quotes
